Or, “Exactly What Happened as I Enjoyed Some Beers on Sunday Night”:
Scene 1: Drunk, tattooed white trash meets at bar on Milwaukee after work
Jacob: Tattooed white trash in all black, neck adorned with several silver necklaces.
Katie: Jacob’s girlfriend, tattooed white trash in all black with a skull bandana.
Vince: Tattooed white trash in all black with dreads and an oversized black ball cap, AAAAAND a set of contact lenses that make his eyes look like white snake eyes, in that “No-I-didn’t-play-bass-for-Static-X-OR-DID-I” kind of way.
Boss: Tattoed white DRUNK trash, obviously a tad older than everyone else (his employees), and a shitload drunker than everyone else, in cargo jeans and a black hoodie. And feelin’ bad about himself. And possibly in love with Jacob.
Boss to Jacob:
“There’s somethin’ in you, Jacob, that reminds me of family…it uh, reminds me of honor…and tradition…and…intellectualism, and uh…sacrifice, and spirit.”
Boss to Katie:
“He is one of my most valuable…humans in my life.”
“There must be something good in you, because he’s a quality person. QUA. LI. TY.”
Boss to Jacob and Katie:
“I’m not lying to you guys…I’m not lyin. I’m not exaggerating, I’m not drunk. I sincerely love him. And I’m happy for you. You guys deserve each other. (Awkwardly places his hand on the side of her face.) I would love to be your friend.”
Boss to Katie:
“I fired four of my best friends, which is a very difficult thing to do, oh my God. Jake has Never. Given. Me. Shit. Never. He’s—he’s given me a good reason for any shit he’s given me, though. He’s more than a good person, he’s an exceptional hu-human that is not…normal. He is special. He’s got something in him. It’s a spirit. I do apologize. I get drunk. Do you want another Sprite? Or like a, a cola?”
“If you have a girl as a daughter, she’s gonna be a strong fucking woman, and no man is gonna fuck with her. She’s gonna be uh, tough, and I’m not talking just guns. She’s gonna be sixteen in a car with boys, because this is dating time, you know? And you’re gonna have to say look, you know what? Those boys? They will tell you anything you wanna know all right? Because you’re in a car. Like, with my nieces. You know? You’re gonna have to raise her right, man. Raise her right.”
“I will LOVE your daughter, if you have one, a daughter, you know, you guys. I will LOVE your fucking daughter…like my own.”
“Jacob, I don’t know Katie, but I know you, so there must be some…virtue that I gotta see in her, okay? Because you love her. Just like, you know what? I don’t know your sister, but I love your sister. Because that’s how good you are. We communicate.
Boss to a passing acquaintance:
“Hey, whoa, wait…do you know Jake?! Jake is a bad motherfucker. This motherfucker here? BAD. MOTHER. FUCKER. He is coming up with a graphic novel, a SICK graphic novel. Have you seen it? Sick.”
Scene 2: Drunk boss gets the shit beaten out of him in front of the bar.
In this scene, about two hours after the employee meeting, the drunk boss pushes one chick and supposedly slaps another, then gets his ass dragged out onto the sidewalk, mashed into a door, kicked in the head, and punched in the face until he is knocked unconscious for two and a half minutes.
He then stands and bleeds profusely from the mouth, all over his teeth, and therefore spits blood everywhere when he challenges his attacker, a big young buck in a Redwings t-shirt, to “TAKE ME ONE ON ONE!!!” Which big young buck had already done, unfortunately.
Bar owner shows up, escorts drunk tattooed white trash boss across the street to his tattoo shop, and locks him in there to calm him down. Meanwhile, the girl who had apparently been smacked around inside the bar, ex-girlfriend of the drunk tattooed white trash tattoo shop owner, thinks it’s a good idea to prance around in front of the tattoo shop, calling all of her friends and crying big crocodile tears about physical abuse.
Ex-Girlfriend, on cell phone:
“I’m just like, totally scared to go home because like, he’s gonna be WAITING for me!”
(Nevermind the fact that he was splattered all over the floor of his tattoo shop, which I now would not recommend to anyone who wants a safe and sterile tattoo experience, and nevermind the fact that the bartender was just then getting around to wiping up all of the blood and teeth on the sidewalk in front of the bar.)
Bartender:
“Soooo….sorry about that…you want one on the house?”
Me:
“Oh, well, okayyy…”
Scene 3: Katie and Jacob have a baby, tattoo it, and let drunk boss babysit it because he LOVES IT.
fin
Cupcake Heartbreak 