Deep in the Stouffer’s vault sits a freezer full of bad ideas.
Crash Diet Classics:
Box of Lettuce
A selection of the finest cuts of lettuce. Defrost on High for 4 minutes, poke a hole in the plastic, defrost on High for another 2 minutes. Allow hot lettuce to cool for 2 minutes.
Enough brown-flavored broth to cover the bottom of a shallow dinner plate. Heat, covered, for 12 seconds, pour onto dinner plate. Pretend it is pizza.
Pictures of Pie
A stack of award-winning color photography of assorted slices of pie, delicately arranged on expensive china, with a bottle of water and a stick of sugar-free gum.
Green Tea Coffee
A plastic carafe of plain green tea, brewed exclusively in a coffeemaker that hasn’t been cleaned in a long time, so it at least tastes a little bit like that sweet, sweet black nectar.
Hunk of Cheese
A slab of white cheese wrapped in cellophane with a side of the two Ritz cracker that were left in the bottom of the box, along with a few stale Entertainment Crackers, the wheat ones nobody would eat at New Year’s. Why did you even buy the wheat ones?? Dummy.
Asian Carp with Whipped Potatoes
A slice of our best Asian Carp, imported directly from upper Lake Michigan, where they’ve invaded and killed off most of the other species but they’ve also eaten a lot of the garbage we’ve thrown in there so it’s not all bad! Best served heated for 2 1/2 minutes and with plastic soda can ring removed, if present. Season potatoes with own tears.
Leftover pizza and a side of chicken curry smothered in a robust Ranch dressing, however much is left in the bottom of the bottle.
Classic Mac & Cheese
Ten servings of our classic low-fat macaroni and cheese packaged in one extra-large container. Heat on High for 20 minutes, allow to cool, wash your hair before eating. Or after. Just wash your hair.
New Boyfriend Bolognese
Fettuccine noodles in cream sauce with Romano cheese and prosciutto. Heat on High for 3 minutes, answer phone, no you haven’t had dinner yet! Scrape into misshapen Gladware, throw in back of fridge. Eat half of a hamburger at a bar instead, not the whole thing because then your pants will fit weird, reheat bolognese at 3 in the morning, eat while seated on kitchen floor.
Rosemary Lemongrass Salmon
Whole salmon filet with fresh vegetables on a bed of brown rice with edamame, in a rosemary lemongrass sauce. You left it in the freezer at home because you had to leave early for a meeting. Don’t worry, there are 47 more meetings you have to get to today and at least half of them will have a plate of cookies involved.
Half a cup of delicately spiced rice with crisp vegetables and two salad shrimp. Cut a slit in plastic and heat on High for 3 1/2 minutes. Eat slowly and deliberately in the employee lounge while saying things like “oh wow, I didn’t know fat free could be so good” and “MMMMM”, while staring at Heather with her bagel and cream cheese until she gets uncomfortable and throws the other half in the trash. Retrieve other half from trash, remove debris, enjoy.