If you woke up as the opposite sex, what’s the first thing you would do?
Come on. You and I both know I’d be obligated to play with my balls for about fifteen minutes. That’s the first thing I’d do and also the second thing and the third and on and on from there. I’d just play with my balls, all day, forever, because that’s just about all dudes do. I looked up from my book on the train the other day and there was this loud frat boy standing there in those thin shiny basketball pants, yelling into his phone about what he was gonna do that night, and the whole time he was looking off into space and absentmindedly fondling his balls, just rolling them back and forth in his hand like a nice little ball of dough he was gonna put on top of a pie. I just could not stop staring at that. Another time I saw a guy dig at his balls and dick for about thirty seconds straight while waiting for a light to change so he could cross the street. Then he switched things up and formed his hand into a claw and dug at his asshole for the rest of the wait and half the trip across the street.
I told The Pants I wished he could have a vagina for one day so he’d know what it was like and he said “Yeah! I’d play with it all day!” and I can’t say I was surprised.
Are you addicted to anything?
For a while it was coffee, then it was Arizona Green Tea, then coffee, then for a couple of weeks it was Goose Island root beer? Now it’s coffee again. Because, by “addiction,” I’m assuming you mean “afflicted with a day-long brain-splitting headache if you go without,” right?
What do you see in a guy/girl?
A guy/girl? Like both at once? I saw some of those and they were mostly chicks with dicks in this video that popped up after I watched the Danielle Staub sex video. They were boys with mannish chins and stubble and little sad excuses for dongs and floppy boobs. But you hardly ever see guys with a vagina. So I guess what I’ve seen in a guy/girl is, quite simply, a penis and some boobs that each leave something to be desired.
Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive?
God, no. Everybody has the same ones, to0. Girls always get birds on their collarbones or stars on their necks and stupid shit on their wrists and feet and guys always get something on their upper arm meat and it’s interesting for about five seconds and then it’s just not worth the cool points they thought it would be, so it’s awkward for everyone who’s been made to look at it. My apologies if you have a tattoo, though, I really like yours.
Also there’s something about facial piercings that really bugs me: it’s the fact that people who have them on or near their mouths are always gumming and chewing on them and they basically walk around looking like gigantic drooly idiots. Some girls can pull off nose rings and it’s cute, but some can’t, and boys almost never can. I do like a nice healed ex-pierced ear on a boy, though. That’s nice.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever licked?
Uh. What? Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there. I was just trying to get this frosting off these beaters…yes, I know they don’t detach. See, that’s why I was uh, down there. But now that I am down here…
Do you actually believe Alaska is covered in snow?
Why?? Is it not true??? And do they really not go everywhere on a little sled pulled by dogs?! And are there not igloos? And can I not see the chimney smoke from Santa’s house from the highest point in the state?! WHAT LIES.
Are you ever purposely irritating?
Well. There’s always a moment where I’m accidentally irritating. But then when I discover that what I did was irritating, I am filled with an ungodly desire to do it again and again and again. Just ask anyone who’s ever spent more than an hour with me why their buttholes are sore. There is nothing funnier than poking someone in the butthole with any sharp object that happens to be nearby! Over and over and over, until they cry and say “I hate you! Go away!” Oh, we have fun.
If you could make someone disappear, who would it be?
Myself! Fuckin A. Then I’d go around saying things like “I HAVE MADE MYSELF DISAPPEAR.” And people would have to believe me because I’d still eat nachos and walk through snow and shit. It would be obvious I was invisible and I’d win Magic Person of the Year and I’d buy 30 KitchenAid mixers with the prize moneys.
Look behind you, what do you see?
Five volumes of the Library of Congress Subject Headings, and about thirty dusty binders full of classification schedules. I’ve never opened a single one of them. I’d probably only open one if a piece of candy fell in there or something.
What’s your fave thing about the opposite sex?
You can do it backwards!
What’s the most important thing to you?
I’m not sure but it’s definitely a thing. I mean, as a kid I used to make lists in my head of what I’d take with me if the world exploded or the house imploded or the Big Earthquake hit Southern Illinois and I had to run outside in the middle of the night for some reason. The lists were organized in order of priority and I don’t think any people were on it.
What would you be doing right now if you were kicked off your computer?
If someone came in right now to kick me off my computer, I’d wipe the browser real quick, then toss up the policy manual I’m working on, then start crying because, look, I really need to get that policy manual done, man! Also I just real quick like wanna Google image search “demi moore’s bush.”
How do you spend your weekends?
Sleeping late and eating giant breakfasts and going to the farmer’s markets and buying presents for people’s unborn babies and skipping the hipster indie skank den (even though they have better coffee) because the line is a million people long and everyone is knitting (why? WHY), going instead to Starbuck’s down the street. Eating pizza and watching movies and making fancy drink concoctions with whatever we can find and TRYING NOT TO LOOK TOO WHITE AS I GO ALONG.
What country would you love to visit?
Norway. I heard that’s where Erlend Oye lives and I’d hump his leg. Plus there’s whale watching every day and it’s free. I’ve also heard that everything is lovely and clean and pretty and it’s the most pleasant place in the world. Then I heard some other stuff that happened in Norway but we’re going to say that’s a one time occurrence and it damn well better be.
What’s on your mind right now?
Howwwww am I going to get all this onion dip out from under my K, H, and I keys?
When was the last time you went to a good party?
Halloween was pretty fun because I ate about a million of these chocolate and coconut covered yellow cake things and got all kinds of sugared up and THEN I thought it would be a great idea to pour vodka and red bull bombs on top of that, and danced around waving my tiny doll hands and tried in vain to pick up carrots off the floor with them. And on the way home we pulled up next to the Congress in the shitty Halloween traffic and I made faces at all the Sexy Bees and Sexy Witches and Sexy Dead Girls lined up outside after whatever bullshit show had gone on and they did not like it, no, not one bit.
Can you lick your elbow?
No, but I can poke you in the butthole with this yardstick.
If you jumped out your bedroom window right now, how injured would you be?
Well if I could teleport to be in my room right now, I guess it would be stupid to jump out when I could teleport from the window to the ground, now wouldn’t it? But technically if I teleported home right now and jumped out of my window I would not be hurt at all because I live on the first floor, which is only one floor above basement level but still sort of on rape level.
What would you do if your bf/gf cheated on you with your best friend?
Well I have no room to talk if I have a bf AND a gf, do I?
Do you like anyone you can’t have?
If I can’t have it, I instantly hate it, and that’s how I know nobody else has anything I want. Easy!
Do you dance even without music?
The last time I did that, my sister told me I looked like farm equipment. So, YES!
If a blind guy/girl started hitting on you, what would you do?
I’d start singing “Jeeepers, creeeeepers! Where’d you get those peeeepers!” No. Kidding. I’d run away, then come back and be like “What are you talking about? I’ve been here the whole time.” No, hold on, I’d take them to bars and have them lip read everyone’s conversations for me. Wait–dammit! That won’t work. This blind person sucks, can I get a deaf person or someone with a real nasty cleft palate?
What was the last concert you went to?
I think it was when we saw Menomena. I remember because a certain person talked through the entire set and then the singer came down and stood behind us to “cool off” and he was wearing the deepest Deep V from American Apparel I’d ever seen in my life, it was a total fucking joke, like a negative of a dickie. And he just kind of hung out there and then the certain person talked to him for like 45 minutes and we couldn’t leave because they were just jabbering about music and beats and bullshit and all these girls in Salvation Army “finds” that still stunk like moth balls were standing around moony-eyed pretending they were checking their phones when really they were OBVIOUSLY waiting for that Deep V to come off and the certain person to shut up for a second so they could strike up an awkward non-conversation with the singer. Blerg.
Do you speak your mind?
Yes, and I should do it less, because I’ve come to find out that most people like to be lied to and fellated into believing whatever they want about themselves or the situation.
What would you do if someone random on the street came up to you and started hitting on you?
I’d ask them which specific blog post pissed them off. Ha!
Ever been caught naked?
Not fully naked, but sort of, about 3 apartments ago when I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes in a tank top and stretched-out, cruddy-looking day-off panties and I turned around and the maintenance guy was STANDING AT MY BACK DOOR STARING IN AT ME.
Ever been in a fight?
No, but I ran from one once! There was this girl in high school who tried to hit me with her hair brush so I went into the principal’s office (I mean, why are you going to try to throw down right outside the principal’s office, girl?!) and calmly asked if he had time to see me.
If so did you win?
Well. It’s been ten years, and she works at Wal-Mart and is dating someone who’s still in high school, so you tell me.
Name the most stupidest thing you’ve ever done?
“Most stupidest?” How bout we let you answer this one?
But seriously, I stupidly keep thinking I don’t have any cumin and now I have seven stupid bottles of stupid cumin in my cabinets. How stupid is that? Nobody makes THAT much goddamn chili.
Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet?
BOY WOULD I
Ever been in trouble for something you didn’t do?
Nope. I almost always did it.
Ever done anything stupid towards a cop?
I pretended my headlights weren’t on because they wouldn’t work when actually I’d just forgotten to turn them on and I was embarrassed to admit that so I pretended to flip the switch over and over and then I was just like “They were working earlierrrrr!” He let me go. WITH NO HEADLIGHTS.
Would you send money to a starving family in another country?
No because I’ll probably just buy them a goat they can eat and keep their young warm inside the carcass. Over there, in other countries, they don’t have the fantastic banking system that we do, and if I gave them money, they’d be like whaaaat do we do with this? Deposit it in our checking account? Thanks a lot, our “checking account” is a guy with a machete who drops by every 2 weeks.
If you could speak another language, what would it be?
Farsi, so I could look up that stuck up asshole I ran into last year who listed “Fluent in Farsi” on his CV and start a conversation with him, then say, in Farsi, “Bull SHIT you know Farsi, you dumb mother fucker!”
One word to describe yourself?
“Awkwarful.”
What’s the last present you’ve received?
A little Hello Kitty in a nurse uniform. She went directly on the Shelf of Cute Things in the kitchen.
What would you rather have as a name?
Klarnzorg the Destroyer. Also my arms would be guns that shot fists. But when I was ten I wanted to be Nicole or Kelsey. Just ask my brother, whom I told to tell any cute older guys we ran into at Lake of the Ozarks that my name was Kelsey.
Any siblings?
The aforementioned brother and two sisters, one of which might now actually think my name is Kelsey.
Are you a sporty kind of person or do you like to lay around and do nothing but watch tv or sit at the computer?
What’s amazing is that now we have this invention known as the Wii. The Pants owns one and you can use it to do nothing, sporty nothing, watch TV, and also do computer-type things. All at the same time! I am Every Kind of Person.
Could you outrun a bus?
Sure, if I push a small child in front of one, I’ve found that it usually stops for at least a couple of hours and I can get a pretty good head start in a couple of hours, man!
You and your friends are bored. What do you do?
Hit each other! No? You guys don’t want to do that? Why won’t anybody stand up? I promise I won’t poke your buttholes anymore. See? I’m putting my old piece of TV antenna down.
Who hates Twilight as much as I do?
This girl for sure:
Wait, shit. It’s the other way around, I don’t think she hates Twilight actually.
What would you do if the world were coming to an end?
Where did I put my list of things to save? I don’t know. Oh well. I’ll tell you one thing: I’d go around punching everyone in the mouth who said things like “you guuuuyyys this is just like that movie Melancholia you guyyyyys” and I’d also eat a bacon cheeseburger pizza from Domino’s, dipped in sour cream, and then a whole quart of mint chocolate chip ice cream then go out in the street and be like KING KONG AIN’T GOT NOTHIN ON ME and then the world would end.
Biggest regret ever?
Going to school for writing. Though it was a good way to waste the time and it gave me something to do between retail shifts and it did give me lots of good fodder for really lame, overblown, self-assured characters in case I ever write anything later about stupid people who love themselves.
Would you have given into peer pressure?
If anyone had bothered to peer pressure me! I wasn’t cool enough, dammit. And the only party I went to in high school where someone encouraged me to drink, there were already so many girls there pretending to be drunk that it seemed like one more would just be a pain in the ass, and also a lot of unnecessary competition.
If you could see your future in a movie, would you watch it?
Only if it was starring Kirsten Dunst and I was getting married and then the world ended!
Do you regularly indulge in drugs? If so, what? i.e Dope, Ectasy
Are you a cop? Because I haven’t heard anyone say “dope” for a long time. Not even to call someone a dope. But, since it probably won’t get me in any legal trouble to state my intent, I’ll go ahead and say that I’ve been checking out these Darren Aronofsky meth ads and I think I’m gonna give it a whirl because no matter what I do I can’t seem to get my eyeliner to look like that without drugs.
Three things you would want if you were stranded on an island?
Man! All the stuff you can’t do here in Camera Land! The only lame thing is that I wouldn’t have internet access so I couldn’t do all the web sleuthing and peeping and stuff I’d wanna do if my IP address was some remote location in the middle of the sea.
If you won a holiday but had to choose either a cruise ship or resort, what would you choose?
If I won a holiday, I’d choose Thanksgiving, and I’d have everything non-stuffing molded out of stuffing. Also, why would I choose to be stranded on a cruise ship with a bunch of assholes and their kids, surrounded by a high ledge with certain death below? I’d go with a resort because it’s probably not going to sink and kids are possibly not allowed and also they might have free sushi for breakfast. I will take my chances there.
Favorite color?
Tits. HAhhahahha kidding! Not really, it’s tits.
What annoys you?
Ugh, being misquoted for the sake of bullshit drama:
“I broke down this morning and got all philosophical on some indie chick’s ass and commented on this.”
Of course, “got all philosophical” doesn’t sound as mean and hateful as “go postal all over,” so you’d have a hard time getting anyone to believe I was hating on you if you were telling the truth. And you need everyone to believe it because it’s better than the thought that someone might not hate you, at all, might just disagree with something you wrote. Siiiigh.
If your best friend and boyfriend needed you, honestly who would you choose?
Judge Judy. I mean, hellooooo.
One thing that annoys you about your best friend / boyfriend?
THEY ARE ALWAYS TALKING DURING JUDGE JUDY. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU.
If you could ask someone any question you want, what would it be?
I’d say “Why are you such an asshole?” then I’d compare their reasons to mine and have a good benchmark for whether I’m normal-asshole or extra tasty crispy-asshole.
If you won lotto would you still work?
Prolly. Like on dried flower wreaths and building a gift wrapping station in my mansion’s work room, stuff you see old people doing in ads for rheumatoid arthritis medication.
Random crazy thing you daydream about?
I had this weird daydream that Thom Yorke made me a little change purse thing and I felt really bad because I thought it was stupid but I wore it around anyway.
Do you prefer a beer or spirit mix (vodka, bourbon)?
Lately I prefer White Cake infused vodka:
Current obsession:
See above.
I’m worried about:
See above.
Next thing I want to buy:
See above.
What’s your fav type of music?
Oh, I don’t know. Let’s not talk about music, okay? That’s the gateway to pretention. Also, hearing what someone else thinks about music won’t sway my opinion either way. Does it work like that for you?
Have you ever met anyone famous?
Oh sure. I will now proceed to drop names nonchalantly while you envy my second-degree fame status from over there in your Lame-Z-Boy.
Any ideas for your wedding?
Ewwwwww shut UP
Song that has the best memories to it?
I guess that graduation song by Vitamin C. I remember sitting there laughing and everyone was crying and we watched the goddamn Powerpoint of all our baby pictures 1000 times and they kept PLAYING THAT SONG and those are good memories because life is so much better than that now, for me, anyway.
Cupcake Heartbreak 