Tag Archives: surveys

Monday Survey: Butt Poker

If you woke up as the opposite sex, what’s the first thing you would do?

Come on.  You and I both know I’d be obligated to play with my balls for about fifteen minutes.  That’s the first thing I’d do and also the second thing and the third and on and on from there.  I’d just play with my balls, all day, forever, because that’s just about all dudes do.  I looked up from my book on the train the other day and there was this loud frat boy standing there in those thin shiny basketball pants, yelling into his phone about what he was gonna do that night, and the whole time he was looking off into space and absentmindedly fondling his balls, just rolling them back and forth in his hand like a nice little ball of dough he was gonna put on top of a pie.  I just could not stop staring at that.  Another time I saw a guy dig at his balls and dick for about thirty seconds straight while waiting for a light to change so he could cross the street.  Then he switched things up and formed his hand into a claw and dug at his asshole for the rest of the wait and half the trip across the street.

I told The Pants I wished he could have a vagina for one day so he’d know what it was like and he said “Yeah!  I’d play with it all day!” and I can’t say I was surprised.

Are you addicted to anything?

For a while it was coffee, then it was Arizona Green Tea, then coffee, then for a couple of weeks it was Goose Island root beer?  Now it’s coffee again.  Because, by “addiction,” I’m assuming you mean “afflicted with a day-long brain-splitting headache if you go without,” right?

What do you see in a guy/girl?

A guy/girl?  Like both at once?  I saw some of those and they were mostly chicks with dicks in this video that popped up after I watched the Danielle Staub sex video.  They were boys with mannish chins and stubble and little sad excuses for dongs and floppy boobs.  But you hardly ever see guys with a vagina.  So I guess what I’ve seen in a guy/girl is, quite simply, a penis and some boobs that each leave something to be desired.

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive?

God, no.  Everybody has the same ones, to0.  Girls always get birds on their collarbones or stars on their necks and stupid shit on their wrists and feet and guys always get something on their upper arm meat and it’s interesting for about five seconds and then it’s just not worth the cool points they thought it would be, so it’s awkward for everyone who’s been made to look at it.  My apologies if you have a tattoo, though, I really like yours.

Also there’s something about facial piercings that really bugs me: it’s the fact that people who have them on or near their mouths are always gumming and chewing on them and they basically walk around looking like gigantic drooly idiots.  Some girls can pull off nose rings and it’s cute, but some can’t, and boys almost never can.  I do like a nice healed ex-pierced ear on a boy, though.  That’s nice.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever licked?

Uh.  What?  Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there.  I was just trying to get this frosting off these beaters…yes, I know they don’t detach.  See, that’s why I was uh, down there.  But now that I am down here…

Do you actually believe Alaska is covered in snow?

Why??  Is it not true???  And do they really not go everywhere on a little sled pulled by dogs?!  And are there not igloos?  And can I not see the chimney smoke from Santa’s house from the highest point in the state?!  WHAT LIES.

Are you ever purposely irritating?

Well.  There’s always a moment where I’m accidentally irritating.  But then when I discover that what I did was irritating, I am filled with an ungodly desire to do it again and again and again.  Just ask anyone who’s ever spent more than an hour with me why their buttholes are sore.  There is nothing funnier than poking someone in the butthole with any sharp object that happens to be nearby!  Over and over and over, until they cry and say “I hate you!  Go away!”  Oh, we have fun.

If you could make someone disappear, who would it be?

Myself!  Fuckin A.  Then I’d go around saying things like “I HAVE MADE MYSELF DISAPPEAR.”  And people would have to believe me because I’d still eat nachos and walk through snow and shit.  It would be obvious I was invisible and I’d win Magic Person of the Year and I’d buy 30 KitchenAid mixers with the prize moneys.

Look behind you, what do you see?

Five volumes of the Library of Congress Subject Headings, and about thirty dusty binders full of classification schedules.  I’ve never opened a single one of them.  I’d probably only open one if a piece of candy fell in there or something.

What’s your fave thing about the opposite sex?

You can do it backwards!

What’s the most important thing to you?

I’m not sure but it’s definitely a thing.  I mean,  as a kid I used to make lists in my head of what I’d take with me if the world exploded or the house imploded or the Big Earthquake hit Southern Illinois and I had to run outside in the middle of the night for some reason.  The lists were organized in order of priority and I don’t think any people were on it.

What would you be doing right now if you were kicked off your computer?

If someone came in right now to kick me off my computer, I’d wipe the browser real quick, then toss up the policy manual I’m working on, then start crying because, look, I really need to get that policy manual done, man!  Also I just real quick like wanna Google image search “demi moore’s bush.”

How do you spend your weekends?

Sleeping late and eating giant breakfasts and going to the farmer’s markets and buying presents for people’s unborn babies and skipping the hipster indie skank den (even though they have better coffee) because the line is a million people long and everyone is knitting (why?  WHY), going instead to Starbuck’s down the street.  Eating pizza and watching movies and making fancy drink concoctions with whatever we can find and TRYING NOT TO LOOK TOO WHITE AS I GO ALONG.

What country would you love to visit?

Norway.  I heard that’s where Erlend Oye lives and I’d hump his leg.  Plus there’s whale watching every day and it’s free.  I’ve also heard that everything is lovely and clean and pretty and it’s the most pleasant place in the world.  Then I heard some other stuff that happened in Norway but we’re going to say that’s a one time occurrence and it damn well better be.

What’s on your mind right now?

Howwwww am I going to get all this onion dip out from under my K, H, and I keys?

When was the last time you went to a good party?

Halloween was pretty fun because I ate about a million of these chocolate and coconut covered yellow cake things and got all kinds of sugared up and THEN I thought it would be a great idea to pour vodka and red bull bombs on top of that, and danced around waving my tiny doll hands and tried in vain to pick up carrots off the floor with them.  And on the way home we pulled up next to the Congress in the shitty Halloween traffic and I made faces at all the Sexy Bees and Sexy Witches and Sexy Dead Girls lined up outside after whatever bullshit show had gone on and they did not like it, no, not one bit.

Can you lick your elbow?

No, but I can poke you in the butthole with this yardstick.

If you jumped out your bedroom window right now, how injured would you be?

Well if I could teleport to be in my room right now, I guess it would be stupid to jump out when I could teleport from the window to the ground, now wouldn’t it?  But technically if I teleported home right now and jumped out of my window I would not be hurt at all because I live on the first floor, which is only one floor above basement level but still sort of on rape level.

What would you do if your bf/gf cheated on you with your best friend?

Well I have no room to talk if I have a bf AND a gf, do I?

Do you like anyone you can’t have?

If I can’t have it, I instantly hate it, and that’s how I know nobody else has anything I want.  Easy!

Do you dance even without music?

The last time I did that, my sister told me I looked like farm equipment.  So, YES!

If a blind guy/girl started hitting on you, what would you do?

I’d start singing “Jeeepers, creeeeepers!  Where’d you get those peeeepers!”  No.  Kidding.  I’d run away, then come back and be like “What are you talking about?  I’ve been here the whole time.”  No, hold on, I’d take them to bars and have them lip read everyone’s conversations for me.  Wait–dammit!  That won’t work.  This blind person sucks, can I get a deaf person or someone with a real nasty cleft palate?

What was the last concert you went to?

I think it was when we saw Menomena.  I remember because a certain person talked through the entire set and then the singer came down and stood behind us to “cool off” and he was wearing the deepest Deep V from American Apparel I’d ever seen in my life, it was a total fucking joke, like a negative of a dickie.  And he just kind of hung out there and then the certain person talked to him for like 45 minutes and we couldn’t leave because they were just jabbering about music and beats and bullshit and all these girls in Salvation Army “finds” that still stunk like moth balls were standing around moony-eyed pretending they were checking their phones when really they were OBVIOUSLY waiting for that Deep V to come off and the certain person to shut up for a second so they could strike up an awkward non-conversation with the singer.  Blerg.

Do you speak your mind?

Yes, and I should do it less, because I’ve come to find out that most people like to be lied to and fellated into believing whatever they want about themselves or the situation.

What would you do if someone random on the street came up to you and started hitting on you?

I’d ask them which specific blog post pissed them off.  Ha!

Ever been caught naked?

Not fully naked, but sort of, about 3 apartments ago when I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes in a tank top and stretched-out, cruddy-looking day-off panties and I turned around and the maintenance guy was STANDING AT MY BACK DOOR STARING IN AT ME.

Ever been in a fight?

No, but I ran from one once!  There was this girl in high school who tried to hit me with her hair brush so I went into the principal’s office (I mean, why are you going to try to throw down right outside the principal’s office, girl?!) and calmly asked if he had time to see me.

If so did you win?

Well.  It’s been ten years, and she works at Wal-Mart and is dating someone who’s still in high school, so you tell me.

Name the most stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

“Most stupidest?”  How bout we let you answer this one?

But seriously, I stupidly keep thinking I don’t have any cumin and now I have seven stupid bottles of stupid cumin in my cabinets.  How stupid is that?  Nobody makes THAT much goddamn chili.

Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet?


Ever been in trouble for something you didn’t do?

Nope.  I almost always did it.

Ever done anything stupid towards a cop?

I pretended my headlights weren’t on because they wouldn’t work when actually I’d just forgotten to turn them on and I was embarrassed to admit that so I pretended to flip the switch over and over and then I was just like “They were working earlierrrrr!”  He let me go. WITH NO HEADLIGHTS.

Would you send money to a starving family in another country?

No because I’ll probably just buy them a goat they can eat and keep their young warm inside the carcass.  Over there, in other countries, they don’t have the fantastic banking system that we do, and if I gave them money, they’d be like whaaaat do we do with this?  Deposit it in our checking account?  Thanks a lot, our “checking account” is a guy with a machete who drops by every 2 weeks.

If you could speak another language, what would it be?

Farsi, so I could look up that stuck up asshole I ran into last year who listed “Fluent in Farsi” on his CV and start a conversation with him, then say, in Farsi, “Bull SHIT you know Farsi, you dumb mother fucker!”

One word to describe yourself?


What’s the last present you’ve received?

A little Hello Kitty in a nurse uniform.  She went directly on the Shelf of Cute Things in the kitchen.

What would you rather have as a name?

Klarnzorg the Destroyer. Also my arms would be guns that shot fists.  But when I was ten I wanted to be Nicole or Kelsey.  Just ask my brother, whom I told to tell any cute older guys we ran into at Lake of the Ozarks that my name was Kelsey.

Any siblings?

The aforementioned brother and two sisters, one of which might now actually think my name is Kelsey.

Are you a sporty kind of person or do you like to lay around and do nothing but watch tv or sit at the computer?

What’s amazing is that now we have this invention known as the Wii.  The Pants owns one and you can use it to do nothing, sporty nothing, watch TV, and also do computer-type things.  All at the same time!  I am Every Kind of Person.

Could you outrun a bus?

Sure, if I push a small child in front of one, I’ve found that it usually stops for at least a couple of hours and I can get a pretty good head start in a couple of hours, man!

You and your friends are bored. What do you do?

Hit each other!  No?  You guys don’t want to do that?  Why won’t anybody stand up?  I promise I won’t poke your buttholes anymore.  See?  I’m putting my old piece of TV antenna down.

Who hates Twilight as much as I do?

This girl for sure:

Wait, shit.  It’s the other way around, I don’t think she hates Twilight actually.

What would you do if the world were coming to an end?

Where did I  put my list of things to save?  I don’t know.  Oh well.  I’ll tell you one thing:  I’d go around punching everyone in the mouth who said things like “you guuuuyyys this is just like that movie Melancholia you guyyyyys” and I’d also eat a bacon cheeseburger pizza from Domino’s, dipped in sour cream, and then a whole quart of mint chocolate chip ice cream then go out in the street and be like KING KONG AIN’T GOT NOTHIN ON ME and then the world would end.

Biggest regret ever?

Going to school for writing.  Though it was a good way to waste the time and it gave me something to do between retail shifts and it did give me lots of good fodder for really lame, overblown, self-assured characters in case I ever write anything later about stupid people who love themselves.

Would you have given into peer pressure?

If anyone had bothered to peer pressure me!  I wasn’t cool enough, dammit.  And the only party I went to in high school where someone encouraged me to drink, there were already so many girls there pretending to be drunk that it seemed like one more would just be a pain in the ass, and also a lot of unnecessary competition.

If you could see your future in a movie, would you watch it?

Only if it was starring Kirsten Dunst and I was getting married and then the world ended!

Do you regularly indulge in drugs? If so, what? i.e Dope, Ectasy

Are you a cop?  Because I haven’t heard anyone say “dope” for a long time.  Not even to call someone a dope.  But, since it probably won’t get me in any legal trouble to state my intent, I’ll go ahead and say that I’ve been checking out these Darren Aronofsky meth ads and I think I’m gonna give it a whirl because no matter what I do I can’t seem to get my eyeliner to look like that without drugs.

Three things you would want if you were stranded on an island?

Man!  All the stuff you can’t do here in Camera Land!  The only  lame thing is that I wouldn’t have internet access so I couldn’t do all the web sleuthing and peeping and stuff I’d wanna do if my IP address was some remote location in the middle of the sea.

If you won a holiday but had to choose either a cruise ship or resort, what would you choose?

If I won a holiday, I’d choose Thanksgiving, and I’d have everything non-stuffing molded out of stuffing.  Also, why would I choose to be stranded on a cruise ship with a bunch of assholes and their kids, surrounded by a high ledge with certain death below?  I’d go with a resort because it’s probably not going to sink and kids are possibly not allowed and also they might have free sushi for breakfast.  I will take my chances there.

Favorite color?

Tits.  HAhhahahha kidding!  Not really, it’s tits.

What annoys you?

Ugh, being misquoted for the sake of bullshit drama:

“I broke down this morning and got all philosophical on some indie chick’s ass and commented on this.”

Of course, “got all philosophical” doesn’t sound as mean and hateful as “go postal all over,” so you’d have a hard time getting anyone to believe I was hating on you if you were telling the truth.  And you need everyone to believe it because it’s better than the thought that someone might not hate you, at all, might just disagree with something you wrote.  Siiiigh.

If your best friend and boyfriend needed you, honestly who would you choose?

Judge Judy.  I mean, hellooooo.

One thing that annoys you about your best friend / boyfriend?


If you could ask someone any question you want, what would it be?

I’d say “Why are you such an asshole?” then I’d compare their reasons to mine and have a good benchmark for whether I’m normal-asshole or extra tasty crispy-asshole.

If you won lotto would you still work?

Prolly.  Like on dried flower wreaths and building a gift wrapping station in my mansion’s work room, stuff you see old people doing in ads for rheumatoid arthritis medication.

Random crazy thing you daydream about?

I had this weird daydream that Thom Yorke made me a little change purse thing and I felt really bad because I thought it was stupid but I wore it around anyway.

Do you prefer a beer or spirit mix (vodka, bourbon)?

Lately I prefer White Cake infused vodka:










Current obsession:

See above.

I’m worried about:

See above.

Next thing I want to buy:

See above.

What’s your fav type of music?

Oh, I don’t know.  Let’s not talk about music, okay?  That’s the gateway to pretention.  Also, hearing what someone else thinks about music won’t sway my opinion either way.  Does it work like that for you?

Have you ever met anyone famous?

Oh sure.  I will now proceed to drop names nonchalantly while you envy my second-degree fame status from over there in your Lame-Z-Boy.

Any ideas for your wedding?

Ewwwwww shut UP

Song that has the best memories to it?

I guess that graduation song by Vitamin C.  I remember sitting there laughing and everyone was crying and we watched the goddamn Powerpoint of all our baby pictures 1000 times and they kept PLAYING THAT SONG and those are good memories because life is so much better than that now, for me, anyway.


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Hey buddy, my cunt’s down here!

I will now christen this new blog with a survey from SuckMySurvey.com, which may or may not actually exist.


Never in my life have I:

been able to control myself in a craft store or an office supply store.  I’ve always been incapable of keeping myself from buying anything and everything that you could possibly make something or anything out of.  It’s a really really bad habit to have.  When I was a kid I’d spend my entire allowance on those little styrofoam birds covered with feathers, with bead eyes and wire feet.  I’d cover myself with them and pretend I was a princess in a Disney movie.  Now I just go into those stores and spend like $40 on pens and card stock and wire and paper hole punches in celestial shapes.  Then I drag the sack full of crafty junk home and leave it sitting on the couch next to me while I watch a prison doc instead of actually making anything.

The one person who can make any day better is:

I have to pick one??  All right, then I pick my sister, who has the talent of sending me a really funny text just when I’m about to guillotine myself to get out of boredom.  Like this one, which I got while work hours were inching by last week:  “I just had a great idea…when men stare at my tits, i’m gunna say ‘hey buddy, my cunt’s down here!'”

If you’d let me pick another one, I’d say my boss could make my day better by not showing up to work.  Or by showing up with a black eye.

My high school was:

always on the verge of being sued shitless by the ACLU for holding mock slave auctions, running up the rebel flag, and telling the dumbtard goth kids they couldn’t draw on their faces or dye their hair blue.

When I’m nervous:

I have to pee constantly.  There might not be any pee in there, but I still have that feeling like I have to go worse than ever, and the tank’s empty.  So frustrating.

The last song I listened to was:

Starless by Shiner.  My seventeen year old music tastes are slowly creeping back into my life.  Probably because I just listened to a bunch of blank CDs I’ve dragged around with me for 10 years, trying to figure out what to keep and what to get rid of.  They were all Keeps, I’m afraid.

If I were to get married right now it would be to:

I know everyone’s about sick of hearing me talk about it, but I’d marry the Corner Bakery dude in a second.  And if I were to get married right now, that would be the best option, I think, because he finally talked to me, for the first time in four years, last week.  I thought my pants were going to disintegrate, or get sucked into my vagina vacuum, or just burst into flames and look really cool on me.  Unfortunately, he was only asking me questions about work, which I found I couldn’t answer without checking my hair and face and not making eye contact because it was 8am and I was still wearing last night’s makeup.

Oh well.  I guess I could also marry Le Ex, who could not seem to understand why or how I could be in such total agreement that we should not hang out anymore, and therefore sends me a barrage of daily text messages and emails including attached photos of himself with his new girlfriend.  If I married him, I could get a trip to France out of it.

Then again, I’m sure Corner Bakery boy would bring home leftover cookies every day…dang.

My hair is:

long and thick and crazy and somehow the source of constant criticism, like when you borrow someone else’s hat and since it’s not yours, everyone feels okay about telling you how ugly it is.  Thanks but I grew this shit myself, and I plan on letting it take over.  It came to get down.

When I was 4:

my grandmother told my mom I was “confused,” because I put some Koosh balls down my pants and told her I was a cowboy.  So what?  Don’t all kids do that?  I swore I got the idea from an episode of PeeWee’s Playhouse, which made a lot more sense to everybody a few years later.

Last Christmas:

I wore the same pants for four days, because I’m sure that’s what they had to do in Bethlehem way back then, and I was just paying homage, yo.  Nobody said a word, if you’re wondering.

When I look down I see:

a green chair, a credit card that needs to be destroyed, and those little black marks that always show up on the wrist rest of a white MacBook.

The happiest recent event was:

when I found out that The Room is coming to Chicago.  A little jumpy-clappy dance was definitely performed in my kitchen.

If I were a character on ’Friends’:

I’d move them all out of that sweet ass apartment and change the locks and tell them that’s what “rent control” means.  And those dumb fucks would believe me, and get new friends.

By this time next year:

I will be a certified librarian.  Like Batgirl.  Only real.

My current gripe is:

I don’t have any groceries, and desperately need to make a trip to Target today, which not only ruins my Sunday because I have to walk by that stinky skate park, but also because Target on a Sunday in this neighborhood is like going to a fucking Cinco de Mayo block party.

I have a hard time understanding:

why that bitch at Origins told me that the gold liquid eyeshadow wouldn’t look good on me at all.  “Ohh noooo you don’t want that, of course!”  I miss the days when salesgirls would just lie their whore faces off, and you could just ignore everything they said.

This gold liquid eyeshadow looks hot as shit, by the way.

There’s these girls:

who live in Seattle and L.A. and New York and they’re so fucking cool and so fucking far apart that I wish I could mash them all together and make myself a little girly bouquet out of ’em.

The first person I’d tell if I won an award would be:

I’d probably get really nervous and have to pee, so I’d probably tell whoever was in, around, or near the bathroom.

I want to buy:

The Squidbillies: Season 2 on DVD.  I also want several books, a new dress, and a cheeseburger.

I plan to visit:

Southern Illinois in 13 days.  My friends just won’t quit having babies and getting married and inviting me to the parties.  It’s cool, but can we have these parties in Hawaii or something?  Also, buy my ticket.  You will if you love me.

If you spent the night at my house:

we’d stay up and drink beer and wear my giraffe mask and eventually I’d make you sing into my computer’s microphone and put your drunken song online somewhere for others to enjoy.

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself:

a Gryffindor keychain.  That’s my team, and I don’t care who knows it.  Unless you’re a hot boy who isn’t smart enough to like Harry Potter, then I’ll probably hide it from you.

Most recent thing someone else bought me:

a Build-Your-Own Sandwich playfood kit from my sister.  The bread is wooden, the “meat” is rubber, the cheese is felt, and the lettuce is some kind of swishy fabric knit.

My middle name is:

Marie.  Apparently I’m named after some female California real estate tycoon.  Who happened to be my grandmother.

In the morning I:

get up just early enough to watch two episodes of Saved by the Bell, but just late enough to miss the awful Good Morning Miss Bliss episodes.  Ugh…those are so positive and cheesy, they will outright ruin your day.

Last night I was:

drinking vodka out of a Big Gulp cup at Do Division, getting in trouble with an e-freaking-normous crowd of hipsters by making fun of their dancing and drunkenly replying to Flosstradongus’ cry of “AY CHICAGO MAKE SOME MOTHAFUCKIN NOOOOOOIIISE” by screaming “FUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUU!!!”

There’s this guy I know:

who looks EXACTLY like the cucumber from Veggie Tales.  And he does this little happy dance that makes me want to shit in my pants so that I have a good reason to be excused from his presence.  But he is my boss so I have to placate him and smile and pretend that a 6 foot, 26 year old male who looks like a cucumber doing a skippy dance in front of me is exactly what I want to see at 9 in the morning, every morning.

If I was an animal I’d be:

a cat, and my superpower would be starring in movies with Christina Ricci that nobody would ever, ever watch.

A better name for me would be:

Princess Supercake of Blade Island.

Tomorrow I am:

going to work and I WILL REMEMBER to return American Psycho on my way.  I don’t know why I watched that.  I mean, it’s a good movie, but it’s made all the more creepy when you’re sitting there watching it alone in the dark and realizing that you dated that guy.

Tonight I am:

writing about a million cover letters.  I am starting to think I am not very good at it, which destroys the old adage that practice makes perfect.  Practice don’t do shit.

My birthday is:

just the most awesome day of the year.  Too bad it ain’t yours.

How long have you been breathing?

Since my daddy caught me on my way out, held me up by my ankles and inspected me like a fish, then scraped the primordial goo out of my mouth and pinched me ’til I cried.  Well, that’s what I remember, anyway.

Have you cried today at all?

Um.  Yes.  From laughter.

Do you want to be in a relationship?

Sometimes, but then I realize it’s only for the naughty and fun bits, because I’m a growin’ girl and I need the sauseeeege.  There are tons of crappy parts I can do without, such as “Let’s go out for a drink.  Why not?  Why not?  What are you doing??  Well I’ll just come over.  Why NOT?  I just want to be with you!  Let’s go out.  Okay, then let’s go to sleep.  Well, fine, I have to go to this party, and if you don’t come it means you don’t love me.  Fine.  Fine.  I see.  So are you coming??  WHY NOT???”

Do you actually believe in perfection?

Have you even seen me do The Clock?  Put on some new wave and wind me up, motherfucker, and I’ll make you believe.

Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

I prefer rain because that’s what Lil John’s always talking about anyway, and I try to be as much like Lil John as I possibly can.

Have you been to New York City?

I don’t need to buy a plane ticket to smell dirty air and step in puke outside of a movie theater.

Last time you did laundry?

Thursday night.  There comes a point in your adult life when you have to stop going to the mall and buying 99 cent polyester thongs out of that giant bin at The Rave, and just bite the bullet and pay a whole dollar to wash the ones you already got.

Do you fight with your parents?

Yes.  My mother and I constantly fight over my ability to change my mind.  I’ll say, “I think I want a red skirt.”  Then later, I might find a purple skirt that works just fine.  And Mommy said, “Well I thought you wanted a red skirt!!!”  And something about this change in skirt plans really gets under Mommy’s skin.  I think it just bothers her to have to cross “red” off her list of stuff in her brain and write “purple” instead.  I think it makes her feel like she doesn’t know me the way she did an hour ago, when the skirt color I wanted was red.

Have you ever just went out with a girl/guy because you were desperate and they asked?

I’ve done internet dating, and most people consider that to be pretty desperate.  I met really hot, stupid guys who worked in finance and had money for brains, and really thoughtful, sweet guys who didn’t own TVs and therefore had no idea what I was talking about, ever.

Where did you sleep last night?

In my bed, cuddling my computer, which was playing The English Patient.  I had no idea that bullshit was three hours long.  I thought it would be a good fall-asleep movie, though, and it was, it was.

Do you want kids?

I want them in the way that I want them to hang out with me, teach me all the hand signs and tell me the good books to read, ask me to cut grilled cheeses in certain ways and pour apple juice into certain cups, and then I want them to go home as soon as they get complainy or want to watch Madagascar.

Do you have any expensive jewelry?

All of my jewelry is the kind that you have to stop wearing after a few weeks because it’s not the color it’s supposed to be anymore.  But that means it’s expensive to Ethiopians, so you tell me.

How many close friends do you have?

Thirty-seven.  No, four.  I added wrong.

What is your brother’s name?

Noah Richard, whom we have always called Noah Balboa, but his friends call him Woah Nipple.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

I would feel weird if I didn’t.  It’s essential to get a male perspective on current films and books, how my lip gloss looks, and whether I will ever hook up with Ira Glass.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Well, yeah, but it’s usually a dumb shit reason.  Like there’s got to be a reason that they gave a whole TV show to that big-titted idiot shitface pussywaste Daisy from Rock of Love, but I refuse to believe it’s a good reason.

What are you listening to?

The Presets, and my neighbor mowing his tiny rectangle of grass, when he could actually just cut it with scissors.  It would be way quieter.

Would rain actually stop you from going somewhere or ruin your plans?

Yeah, but I’m kind of a homebody, so I would most likely welcome it stopping me from going out.  Then I could be like, “Awww, it’s rainiiiing…now we can’t go watch hipsters rub their bare assholes together all night.  Dang.  Maybe next Tuesday?  If it doesn’t rain.”

Last time you saw your parents?

I’m not sure they’ve even been in the same room since they artificially created me in that lab.  See, they both had to be there because they had to turn their keys at the exact same time to get into the vault where my microchip was being stored.  Then I think my dad got back on his futurebike and my mom put me in a little tube and shot me back to the past, which is now.  Does your brain hurt?  Sorry.

What woke you up this morning?

My stupid piece of crap Blackberry phone.  There are a hundred ways to turn this thing off, but unless you take out the battery and hide it somewhere, the whole thing powers up by itself and gives you all the Facebook updates you’ve missed between midnight last night and 6am.  I will be happy to bury this shit in the yard.

Is tomorrow going to be a good day?

Not if I gotta use my AK, I must say.  I’ll tell you later.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?

Patrese, who I think only picks me up so she can play a Ludacris song and watch me turn around and stick my butt out the car window and wiggle it around when he says “shake shake shake ya moneymake-UHH!”  It makes her laugh.  It also makes dudes in vans follow us for a long time.

Do long distance relationships work?

I guess if you’ve got a phone with a penis attached.  Tell me if you do, because I’d like to borrow it.  Did you get it at Urban Outfitters?  That’s pretty cool.

Who is your number one on myspace:

I don’t even knowwww anymoooore.  That whole site is like a ghost town, and anyone who hasn’t migrated their web presence over to Facebook is a waste of time.  Or they’re just from Southern Illinois.

Do you listen to music everyday?

Yes!  But it’s harder now that they’ve outlawed music, and the radio, at work.  I wrote a haiku to the dead radio but that didn’t bring it back from the dumpster.  Wahhh!

Are you in a bad mood?

I’m in a pretty great mood, and it ain’t goin nowhere.  No, it ain’t.  Get back here!

Are you a jealous person:

Yes, only in those circumstances where people have things they don’t deserve, which I want.  Then I remember who I am and just feel really, really sorry for all the poor fucks who can’t be me.


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