I like my job for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I meet a lot of interesting people. This university attracts students from all walks of life, from across the globe, which is pretty awesome if you like celebrities and foreign people, which I do! And even though everybody’s got their panties in a bunch because Tom Hanks’ son is doing his undergrad here, I couldn’t care less because I just had the pleasure of meeting a very famous singer. I swear I’d helped her find three books and two websites on finance interview preparation, none of which pleased her, before she revealed that she had, in fact, WON ASIAN IDOL TWO YEARS AGO.
She didn’t give me a chance to say, “Of course! I knew I recognized you from somewhere! You are the most talented Asian I know! What are you doing at a business school in Illinois, U.S.A.?!” She immediately and without any hesitation revealed to me that her passion is SINGING. That evil Mommy-san and Daddy forced her to go to B-school, even after her triumphant victory over every other singing Asian in greater Asia, even after her tour of Asia with Asian Idol. “It’s not like-a I even wanta to BE HERE,” she said, and slammed a book back onto the shelf in the wrong place.
Then she got mad that I wouldn’t let her use my computer to check her Gmail. I guess you can’t have it all.
I was fifteen minutes to work today, which isn’t a big deal or anything. My boss is pretty busy walking around the office telling everyone how hard I work, anyway, so she doesn’t usually notice or care when I step in a couple minutes late. Unfortunately, there are some people who are really really put out of sorts when the train is late.
Today the train was late because of an accident involving a fall (or a jump, which is usually reported as a fall for a couple of days). The point is that some poor jerk made contact with the filthy, wet, stinky, and highly electrified tracks in the gloom below the platform, which is a shitty way to start your morning. The trains all had to share whatever tracks they could get, as power was shut off so the poor jerk could be peeled off the tracks and sent to the hospital to be pronounced one way or the other. Everything was slow, and running behind, and basically not where anyone expected it to be. When my train finally came, the stuttering conductor saw fit to let us all know that the reason for his lack of punctuality was “a accident involvin’ somebody jumpin’ on the tracks” downtown. So naturally, the entire car erupted with gasps and everybody started telling everybody else exactly what they thought about mass transit suicide. That’s when the lady behind me piped up to anyone who would listen:
“Why people always gotta kill theyselves durin’ rush hour? I know thangs is bad, but they ain’t THAT bad you cain’t wait until lunch time. Lawd.”
She proceeded to call all of her friends and let them know just how inconsiderate she thought it was to kill yourself during rush hour. She revealed during all three of these phone calls (on her pink Razr with BabyPhat charms dangling from it) that she had actually found out about the suicide only a couple minutes after it had happened, on her alarm clock radio, which is when she decided to roll over and sleep a little longer because the trains were going to be “all messed up and shit anyway.”
Ahahahahha! Total cunt.
Basically all you’ve got to do is a Google image search for “cutest cupcakes ever.”
Are you serious? You can't be. You are, though.
If you happen to be in Japan, you should do a Google image search for “cutest cupcakes ever,” only in Japanese. And you’ll get this:
Someday I will build a cupcake library, in which I will preserve one of every type of cupcake ever made, along with metadata to help future cupcake artists with their research.
I can do this kind of thing because we live on a fantastic planet, and it is covered with stuff that’s cute as shit.
God DAMN I wanna eat that tiny toast made of frosting SO BAD.
My best best friend friend Patrese has started a blog about how much she loves Christmas, and Christmastime, and pretty much all things Christmas-y. I support her endeavor because I am a good friend (thanks, thank you…stop it!) and because starting in October it’s really cute to watch her get all ramped up for the birth of little baby Jesus and then celebrate it by buying every little baby Jesus she can find and gluing it to her front door.
OK well, so she hasn’t done that yet, but I think this might be the year.
Anyway, I think Patrese likes Christmas so much because her family always made it into a big sparkly happy soiree full of love and Sunday gravy. Which is so cute I want to poop glitter turds and Sweet Tarts!
I’m indifferent to Christmas because my stepdad celebrated by screaming at me to get the fuck out of the Goddamn tree before I fucking ruined everything. Then my grandma took too many pills and had a meltdown because some bitch at church wore heels she didn’t agree with in the Christmas cantata, and my cousins cried while they watched us open our presents because my aunt loved God too much to buy things at the end of December. Then they told us we’d probably be going to Hell because of the Play-Doh Snack Shop.
Shit. If I’m going to Hell for a toy, it’d better fucking be the baby blue plastic four-door ’59 Caddy my slut of a Barbie used to roll around the living room in. That would be worth it.
I finally figured out a way to spill Arizona green tea in my hair and make it look like I meant to do it. Holy hell, I smell like the stairway to Heaven. Or Arizona.
This week I got a fancy little surprise: Pinky Links said some very nice things about this here blog!
“Well, while sneakily and silently stalking Steven’s site (see what I did there? with all the S’s?), I came across this total gem. Cupcake Heartbreak. I love reading new blogs, because at first it takes a little bit of time to figure out if they’re male/female, streyt/ghey, peoples of what color/country/background, liberal/conservative. So, this is me welcoming Cupcake Heartbreak into our (Katamari!) neighborhood. She’s so cunt-centric, I digs it. She also has a mouth/keyboard like a sailor.”
It really made my day. I didn’t have to talk about myself so much that day because other people did it for me. Thank you, Pinky Links bloggers!!!
Also, -Z- mentioned Katamari, which is my most favorite game to play on PS2. I even play it on my phone (a tiny, tiny, tiiiiny version called Rolling with Katamari! that is super fun and has made me miss my bus stop more than one time). When you fail, the king says “Like a lollipop…YOU SUCK.”
I used to play that game so much that when I’d get in the car I’d want to just run over everything…and, uh, everyone. I drove really fast. And if my boyfriend was driving I’d be like “OHHH YEAHHH!” when people were ambling innocently over a crosswalk. It was not very safe.
Here is some of my favorite Katamari-inspired stuff, plucked from the Web:
Katamari checks! Do your best!
THIS IS A FUCKING CAKE.
I love how Jesus and the Apostles are like, "What...the fuck?"
Everything sticks to these shoooooes!!!
I am sad today because I found the Katamari Dunks, and every asshole who had featured them on their blog made it sound like you could get a pair if you dropped enough money. Unfortunately, I traced them to their source, which is just some dude and his Katamari-lovin’ wife who bought a white pair of Dunks and hand painted them for her. So you can’t buy them, you stupid fucking jerks. I should sue you for making me think I could.
Now watch this:
There are a couple of things that I think are really funny, and when I think of them during the day, I just crack up laughing and people look at me weird. I’m not sure what triggers them, but they’re sort of always floating around in there and sometimes they just pop into my immediate consciousness. Like, when you call my friend Agent Orange a fucker, he says “You fuck her, you brought her.”
And one time in high school, my best friend (who was a total troublemaker/smoker/school cutter/bad influence all around, so that’s why I said BEST friend) interrupted a biology class by grabbing a giant coconut out of this wildlife display cabinet the teacher had, held it high over her head, and yelled over everyone to him, “HEY MR. SMITH…WANNA BUST A NUT?”
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, I just laugh and laugh. That’s funny stuff. I should collect the funny stuff I’ve witnessed in a book or a blog. It will be called Remember That One Time?
More from the Boy Swamp
I’m not surprised that it happens to me, but yeah, okay, it’s a little bit annoying when I’m just trying to have a good time.
I am no stranger to the fact that boys often bang up against each other to see who’s the top dick. I’ve seen it happen tons of times, you just sort of stand back so you don’t get Axe body spray splattered all over you (it stains, you guys). But every now and then, one of these dudes comes scraping out of the dude swamp and wants to play “I’m Smarter Than You, You Girl” with me.
It’s like I’m the minotaur, and they’re these boysies with wimpy-ass swords and dangling, tattered loincloths trying to hack and bullshit their way through the labyrinth. There’s a damn pile of them outside my door. It is getting hard to open my door!
Here is a little excerpt from an experience I wrote about in my old MySpace blog on Tuesday, July 24, 2007:
I was tired after, but we had started so early that it was only about ten when everyone was crashing. It seemed a waste to go home and pass out when there was the St. Alfred’s party at Empire, and even though we’d all said we weren’t going to go, pretty much the entire Pumafia showed up. I’m glad I took the time to freshen up and change out of my barbecue sauce-encrusted jacket, because that place was “going off,” in the way that those parties do when all of the boys put on their biggest hats and flashiest grills.
There wasn’t really any dancing room, it would have actually been very dangerous to try, since every time you moved, someone was trying to push past you in that really annoying way where they just hold their drink out in front of them so it gets spilled all over someone when they get pushed. So we kind of stood there, nodding our heads, whatever, and eventually friends of friends were nearby, and some guy in that category was sitting right by where I was standing, and when I took notice of him, he reached up and tapped his glass against my bottle. I nodded my acknowledgment. Had the interaction ended there, I think everything would have been fine.
This dude stood up at some point, and he was a freaking giant. Almost Andre the Giant. Huge. He could have touched the ceiling. He was trying to communicate with this little spider monkey of a boy who I’ve been around before and have never really been impressed by. One of those guys who just darts around everywhere, acting completely stupid in the hopes that someone will look at him. And despite his obvious attempts to gain people’s attention, he seems to hate all of them. I think he’s had a disgusted look on his face every time I’ve seen him. So the Giant and the Monkey were speaking some language they taught each other, waving their drinks around, getting all excited, leaning across my friend and myself. I suppose it was done in an effort to get closer to the Giant, to somehow cut across the limited space between us and stand where I was standing, but at some point in their conversation, the Monkey reached out, placed both tiny paws on my collarbone, and firmly pushed me backwards.
You can imagine how I felt about that.
I stepped forward just in time to see the Giant spatter some of his girly drink into my friend’s hair, and I immediately reached out to wipe some of the droplets away. In doing so, I’m afraid I drew attention to the fact that the Giant had committed some sort of faux pas, and though I fully understand that these things happen all the time in crowded bars, I’m not the kind of girl who ignores drops of liquor on her friend’s head just to keep some dude from feeling bad. A brief apology is in order, of course, even if it’s just a drunk-guy-in-a-bar type of apology, the kind they throw out, say, when they hit you in the mouth on their way to request Fergie’s “London Bridges.” First of all, they don’t really mean it, and they say it just to keep from feeling bad, and they say it in a way that suggests maybe you shouldn’t have had your mouth in their way. And besides, they just really want to hear “London Bridges.” Still, they say it.
The Giant saw fit, instead, to ask me why I was such an asshole. He reminded me, because I had forgotten, that I was not in a library. Oh wait, I believe it was a fucking library that I was not in. “This isn’t a fucking library, you know.”
True, Sir Giant. This is not a fucking library. I understand that fucking libraries are usually very quiet and full of books, which readers may borrow for brief periods of time. If you would like, I could give you the address for the library in Logan Square, and you can see for yourself that it looks nothing like Empire Liquors, and we will both laugh and laugh when you realize just how silly it was to tell an intelligent person that a bar wasn’t a fucking library. Haha! Silly Giant! And then maybe we will read something besides that worn-out copy of The Best of Vice you carry around with you. I will try to find you something that has a few pictures of designer sneakers in it. You know, to keep your interest.
So I ignored the guy. I let it roll off, I was tired, and I’m never really sure how to answer that question. I didn’t think you were supposed to. I thought I’d just made an enemy out of some enormous hipster, who would forget all about me on his wobbly bike ride home. Secretly, I hoped he would remember me just when his face grated against the pavement, and then forget me, but that was just wishful thinking. Instead, he loomed around for the rest of the evening, and every time I looked up, he was staring at me, staring in that weird way that’s more just watching someone, where you can tell they’re still looking at your back when you turn away. I didn’t even feel like dancing anymore when it cleared out a bit in there, because I’d look up and this fuckasaurus would be sitting like a retarded lump, giving me the most repulsed and confused look I’d ever seen.
So the Giant thought that maybe the best course of action would be to ask me again, later, why I was an asshole. Again, he was met with polite indifference. So he held out his hand, ten times the size of mine, and said “I’m ——-.” I shook his hand, immediately forgot his name, nodded, and said hello. That wasn’t enough for the Giant.
“No, see, that’s not how introductions work! They’re supposed to be reciprocal. This is how they go: I say hello, I tell you my name, then you do the same thing.” Whilst Giant was yelling this into my face over the music, I do recall thinking it a little odd that talking to this dude was like being yelled at by my stepdad, which made me even more uncomfortable with the situation, if such a thing is possible. I remember thinking how maybe this guy should consider himself lucky that I’d been drinking since five, and was falling asleep anyway, which meant I wasn’t in top form and not in any shape to actually tear into him. I also found it very interesting, as he stood there completing his oratory on proper introductions, that the Giant obviously had a firm grasp on etiquette, so I wondered why he had prefaced our introduction, which was becoming more and more important to him by the minute, by referring to me as an asshole.
I also thought, wait a minute…I’ve never even talked to this guy. Just how the hell did he know that I’m an asshole?!
So here’s this enormous guy, jabbing his finger in my face, spitting all over the place as he struggles to explain to me just how I should be behaving in a bar that’s not a fucking library, and he actually holds his hand out, pointed down at my chest, and says, “Now we’re going to try this again! My name’s ——-!” As far as I understand, it’s a certain unalienable right to decide who you want to meet and who you don’t. So I looked at his hand and said “No thank you. I don’t want to meet you.”
Oh, I’m sure it would have been more acceptable, as far as relations between friends and friends of friends go, if I had just giggled and smiled and shaken his hand, told him my name, and then bitched about him all the way home. But I’m not afraid of people like that, I can’t think of much he could do to me that hasn’t been done, so I wasn’t really surprised or shocked when he spent the rest of the night calling me a bitch, telling me I looked like a whore, asking my friends why I was such an asshole. I wasn’t at all surprised when the Monkey joined in, actually sitting on the Giant’s lap (oh, it was perfect!) and started his yippy jeering in my direction because it meant that maybe someone would notice he was alive. The Giant kept reaching around his monkey friend to say, “Truce? Truce then? Truce?” and hold out his big hand again. And I said, “What’s the point? I don’t want to know you. Forget about me. There is no us.”
I think it’s funny that I was wearing a shirt that said on the front, “I don’t have a gun,” and on the back, “but I can get one.”
Take Monday night, for example, at Agent Balboa‘s birthday party. An old friendgirl we used to work with came and brought with her the foppiest, greasiest little punk rock prom queen I’ve seen in a long time. He had that slicked back Dave Navarro hair that sort of flips forward and makes the wearer look like a Yorkshire terrier*, and the half-assed little skinny goatee that looked like it was glued onto his face with Elmer’s. He wore tight jeans and pointy shoes, and a striped shirt rolled up at the elbows with extra little pieces of fabric that folded up over the rolled-up sleeve and attached to the button. You know, in case he was going to be doing some serious lifting and sawing and hammering and wouldn’t want to be bothered with rolling his shirt sleeves up again and again. While he was talking, I could only imagine him folding up those little button flaps, and, with his nimble, precious fingers, pulling the tiny pearly button through the hole. Of course, the whole look was tied together with a skin-tight black vest, so I half expected to look up and find myself on a steam locomotive in 1924 with this asshole demanding to see my ticket.
I thought he looked stupid, sure, but it wasn’t until he opened his big dumb flappy mouth that I knew he’d be a pain in the ass. At first it was just his two cents here and there during my portions of conversation, little peeps, little burps, like the bubbles that come up from the bottom of the toilet when the clog is about to recede. I’d be talking about something, or answering someone, and he’d interrupt with his commentary on whatever I was saying, and what it meant about me. “Oh so you’re like THIS” or “OHHHH so you’re THAT GIRL…Oh I see…” That was my first clue that he was picking up on certain aspects of my personality and probably wanted to tie our wrists together for a knife fight in the alley. He had a big fucking mouth and wanted me to slash it open wider so he could fit more cock in it.
So he tries to joke with me. He sits next to me and tells me my cupcakes sucked. “I was like, this is the worst cupcake I’ve ever eaten. It’s crap.” I told him I was happy my crappy little cupcake was about to get revenge on his ass and thighs. Buttercream, mother fuckerrr. I won’t sit here and recount the entire conversation, it just went back and forth like that for about twenty minutes, him trying to get my attention with his pathetic limp-dick insults, and me being as nice as possible about setting him gently in his place. I was being very nice, because I love the friendgirl who had brought him along, and it was hard to tell what, if anything, their relationship was. It was so HARD to reign it in, though, because it was like there was a big goddamn joke of a man in front of me, saying, “Oh, I seem to have dropped my ass…would you please hand it to me? And feel free to mop the floor with it first.”
It went too far when he started to talk about his band. And here is how he did it:
Pure silence. Then, out of nowhere,
Him: “Sooo, I’m in a band, soooo…”
Me: “Oh yeah, cool.”
Him: “Yeah, we’re called ———–. We’ve played a few shows so far, we were featured in the RedEye a few weeks ago.”
Him: “Yeah, totally. Do you remember the one about Christian Bale and Johnny Depp being here for a movie premiere? Yeah, we were in that one.”
Me: “So you got overshadowed a bit.”
Him: “Yeah. I mean, well, not really because it’s kind of a big deal to get into the music section. Soooo that’s cool.”
Me: “Are you…advertising to me?”
Him: (Obviously angry and embarrassed about my disinterest) “No! It’s not like this is costing you anything! God!”
Me: “Uh, ‘advertising’ doesn’t necessarily mean that money changes hands…”
Him: “I know! I know! I’m just saying that like, you know, I’m in a band and you should check us out.”
Me: “Uh huh. And what would that be called?”
Me: “That’s what I thought.”
Him: “I heard you were kind of a bitch.”
Me: “I’ve been advertising.”
That twat. He went off in a huff, and later, as we left, he said rather loudly to our friendgirl, “Your friend was hatin’ on me for telling her about my band.”
I said, “I wasn’t hating. I just wasn’t listening.”
“She’s a bitch!” he pouted to our friendgirl.
She smiled and said, “I tooooold youuuu!”
This is an interesting theme that has emerged in my life. Usually, stupid assholes who talk a bunch of shit hear that I’m an asshole and get a few drinks in them and want to wrassle. When they fail and face public humiliation, they think that calling me a fucking bitch will redeem them. I’ve had boys hurl all kinds of insults my way after situations like this. They say “I was just joking with you! I was just kidding!” and I say, “Well, me too, dude,” which they don’t understand because the girl is supposed to roll over and put her knees in the air and laugh like a dipshit at everything he says, the boy is supposed to be the funny one, the smarter one, the quick-witted one. So they get mad, and they tell me that I’m the way I am because I “never get any,” I’m bitter, I’m bitchy, no one will eeeeever want me because I’m such a bitch. It’s like a script that dumb boys follow.
Then there are boys who enjoy it, who don’t run off with their tails between their legs, but who I end up dating and getting in stupid dating fights with, and start crying or whining about something pointless, as one naturally does during a dating fight, and so disgusted are they with tears and frustration and anything other from the token lack of concern and laid-back sarcasm they’ve come to expect from me, that they say “I thought you were tough! You’re not tough. What was that, like, a tough act?”
I am fairly certain that people are only interested in other people who only have a single aspect to their personality. You’re one way, or you’re the other. Seems like it would be easier. This shit just goes on and on, over and over. Boys who talk to me are either one way, or they’re the other. Do they know how fucking stupid they all are?
Unfortunately, my personality is like a katamari.
I’m sure this blog post could be filed under the category of tooting one’s own horn. “She really thinks she’s something. Look at her, talking about herself like that. Well well well.” I’ll have you know that this is nothing like horn-tooting, as I am against personal horn tooting. Horns should be tooted by others, if at all. It is more fun that way, duh. What I’m trying to point out is the frequency with which boys come to me looking for a fight. It’s not like I’m standing here grabbing at my dick every five seconds like I’m on the basketball team or something and I need to make sure everyone knows it’s still there. SO SHUT UP.
*When I was a kid, my grandma had a Yorkshire terrier. She named him Prince Toby and fed him from the table and took Polaroids of him, which she kept in a photo album and wrote things like “Stop feeding me ice cream or I’ll get fat, Mom!” next to them. He returned the favor by pissing all over her house. You would walk around in your socks and they’d be piss soaked. You would lie down on the floor with a pillow to watch TV and roll over into a puddle. She made a regular practice of letting the dog out into the yard to “go pee pee!” but he treated the yard with indifference and trotted back in with tangled hair to piss on the carpet. Someone suggested to her that she have him neutered, and even though he was a full blooded dog with papers, and a mother with a name that was seven words long, she decided to do it. She remarked that she’d “turn ‘im into a girl and start callin’ him Princess Toby if I have to!” When I heard her say that, I got really scared that my grandma was so dumb that she thought it worked that way, that the dog would be a girl if she had him neutered. It gave me anxiety. I also hoped she didn’t believe that cutting a dog’s balls off made him stop pissing in the house. I wanted to tell her that they only stop doing that if you tell them to with violence. Anyway, Prince Toby never stopped pissing in the house, and when my grandma died, he lay down in a puddle of water and drowned himself. THE END!
As I was leaving, Mung Face asked me what book I was reading. She leaned exaggeratedly around my right breast, where I was holding the book with one arm, trying to read the title. I told her the title.
“Ohhhh. What’s it about?”
If there’s one thing I hate it’s small talk. If there’s another thing I hate it’s small talk with people who have wet dildo brains. Especially when they’re acting all interested in something they’re going to forget within ten minutes, and you’re just trying to get the fuck away from them.
I also hate telling people what books are “about.” Especially when they’re idiots like Mung Face who read action adventure paperbacks about sea voyages. That kind of shit is easy to sum up: look at the fucking cover where there is a picture of a boat on water and you GET it.
This had to be written by two people because it was too much "riveting" for one person.
(The weird thing is that Mung Face is clearly in the middle of her action adventure paperback, because that is where she opens it to start reading, but then she talks straight, pointless bullshit to whoever will listen while she holds the book in front of her. THIS is why people think I’m open to conversation when I’m reading, because when dumb motherfuckers “read” a book they don’t even pay attention to the letters and words and sentences within it. They just sort of, you know, hold it out, turn the pages. I don’t understand this. I wish they would stop, so that people would understand that silent reading is not an activity that should invite idiotic conversation. I’m not open to it. I consider you coming up to me and starting a conversation about your new flip flops from Old Navy to be an interruption of a very important conversation I am having with my book. Now fuck off.)
So, yeah. It’s dumb to try to explain the plot of Bel Canto, winner of the PEN/Faulkner Award, to someone who reads Clive Cussler paperbacks. And I’m not even saying that just because she’s a total idiot and I’m a smartypants. I mean, that factors in, of course, but I don’t see why I should waste my breath on someone who doesn’t even really actually care what I’m saying. So here is what I say:
“Oh, uhm, it’s uh, it’s about a dinner party. And some terrorists take everyone hostage, and they’re hostages for a long time…”
And here’s what Mung Face, that fucking pleasant piece of dumb shit, had to say in response to my answer to HER FUCKING QUESTION:
“Oh uuhhhh, WEIIIRD! Whatever!”
Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.
So, I wanted to say, “Eat fucking shit and choke on a rotten, diseased cock, you twat from Hell.”
Instead I just smiled and told her to have a good day. Sometimes my tongue hurts from biting it. So. Hard.
Today I got my new dress in the mail. It’s super cute:
This bitch don't look half as cute as I do in this dress.
I didn’t have a date for Agent Balboa‘s upcoming birthday celebration, so I bought a new dress to wear instead.
I have decided that it is best to throw money at my dissatisfaction with my late 20s until it goes away.