Last night I totally saw a commercial for high fructose corn syrup. Like just advertising high fructose corn syrup. Some guy was drinking juice or something and another guy was like Whoa, don’t you know what’s in that? And the other guy was like Ummmm do YOU know what’s in it? And the first guy, who was apparently supposed to act like some kind of total retard, was like High fructose corn syrup! It’s like SOOOOO bad for you! And the other guy is like Whyyyy is that? And then the first guy is just like, Durrrrrr you know why, durrrr. And he couldn’t come up with a good explanation. So the end of the commercial was some kind of voice-over tagline of “High Fructose Corn Syrup: Some Stuff Is Worse, Dude.” Or maybe that’s not how the commercial ended. But that was the gist of it. And then my brain fell out and I realized that I really don’t care what the TV says.
Then this morning, PepsiCo came by my office and dropped off a case of Mountain Dew that they had failed to hand out to students. The PepsiCo rep asked if I would like this case of Mountain Dew, and I said “Do dogs pee on brick walls?” But he just looked at me funny because I think he knows that I know that Mountain Dew is the dog pee that rolls off brick walls and into the gutter.
But this isn’t just any old Mountain Dew. This is “Mountain Dew Throwback,” a special formula of the green stuff that is actually made with real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, just like it was made in the days of old. The bottle says “LIMITED TIME ONLY” above a picture of a hillbilly guy getting a hole blown in his hat from the cork shooting out of his clay jug. Kapoof!
I don’t know if you know this, but it was actually a bad idea for the PepsiCo rep to leave this case of Mountain Dew in my office. Because now it’s under my desk. And because (I don’t know if you know this, but) the last time I drank Mountain Dew (regular formula, even!), I ended up standing in the middle of traffic downtown without any pants on, throwing rocks at tourists in full scuba gear. The time before that I threw a chair through a window on the 12th floor of a Columbia College Chicago building because I agreed with something someone said about a Tobias Wolff story. And this shit under my desk has actual sugar in it. And there’s 79 grams of it in each bottle. So go ahead and prepare my spot in the Seacliff Heights Home for the Criminally Insane.
And yes, dear God, someone has come up with a Mountain Dew flavored cupcake. But the thing that perplexes me is that they’ve flavored it all with lemon-lime stuff. Anyone who knows anything about Mountain Dew knows that it’s based on orange juice concentrate. It’s only COLORED like lemon-lime drinks. Getcha citrus straight, stupid.
So I filled my cubicle walls with buttons because they’re not only great push pins, they’re also interesting conversation pieces. And I couldn’t think of a better way to use all of the millions of buttons I’ve collected through the years. So far, however, the only conversation they’ve started is “Your buttons suck.” Yeah, but did you see the Bruce Lee one? You suck. And why the hell do people see my partition, notice the little desk top area in front of me which holds my name plate and is an obvious place for them to stand and speak to me, and invite themselves to come and stand behind me, facing my computer screen? It’s so weird. But it seems like the motherfucking students at this school always ignore the fact that I have a little wall around me and just come around it. I feel used.
I showed the Bruce Lee one to an Asian student who said, “Why’d you show that to ME?” and I said, “Isn’t he your uncle?” because I am playing this game where I am actually trying to get in trouble because I’m starting to think it’s not possible.
Last week, two of my coworkers who fancy themselves the funniest and coolest in the office went to lunch together, and came back with a desk calendar for me. I assume they bought me a present because you can’t give a calendar away at this time of year, so it must have been hella cheap. Anyway, it’s a daily rip-away calendar called Kittens & Friends. It’s full of those weird scary pictures where someone picked up a cat and dropped it on top of a puppy and snapped a picture of the two animals at the exact moment when they realized they had no idea what was going on, or whether they were going to live through it. And now every single day they come by my desk and ask what’s on the caaaaaaalendar todayyyy?? I’ve been ripping the pages out a day ahead and depositing them in a folder labeled “KITTIES ETC.” which I just leave on the corner of my desk so they can drop by and get their kitty fix without having to stop me from whatever it is I’m doing. Like blogging or doing a Google search for “bunny rabbit cupcake” and covering it up with a really complicated spreadsheet and a really complicated look on my face.
Note to self: I have to remember to clear my search history daily because yesterday I got it in my head to Google “uterine prolapse” again. I don’t know why I keep doing that, it just fascinates me.
Note to self: When dealing with unwanted cube visitors, do a Google image search for “uterine prolapse.”