OK so I’ve finally jabbed a two by four under my butt and pried myself off the couch. I even washed my hair today! Oh my god! Just in time for a nap. Anyway, I want to share with you what’s been on my television during my 2-week holiday break. I’d like you to know in case you need some help getting into the spirit next year: maybe some of these will fuck-start your holiday. Or maybe they will just make your skin crawl and your scalp itch and your heart yearn for a time when the start of winter and the first Christmas commercial didn’t make you want to steal a car and drive it off a cliff into a pile of knives.
Dark Skies, 2013
What Netflix says happens in this movie: “A couple has trouble convincing friends and neighbors that an alien is entering their house each night to terrorize their children.”
What really happens in this movie: Felicity is all grown up and has a family and a nice house in a suburb. The family lives in the house. That’s why they are there at night, when shit gets real. The shit starts in the kitchen, where someone makes a big mess with all the condiments one night, then another mess the next night, only the next night it’s a SCIENTIFIC mess because the hot dogs are balancing on top of the mustard. (There is like one day a year when the gravitational fields are juuuust right to balance your hot dogs on top of your mustard, I highly recommend trying this. You don’t need aliens to do it, just hot dogs and some mustard.) So Felicity and her husband get kind of annoyed about this stuff because they’re white people in a nice suburb and they have barbecues and stuff and this shit should not be happening to them. I mean they’re NICE PEOPLE so what the hell? Felicity is a little more creeped out than her husband, because he’s busy going on job interviews all day and not getting any offers, then coming home and trying to bone Felicity and also not getting any offers because her real estate job is all that’s keeping them afloat and she’s got to focus, okay? Meanwhile, also living in the house are the two ugliest children in the history of time. Like they literally could not have found two more ugly, mutated children in the entire world to be the children of Felicity and Useless Daddy in this movie. The little one is supposed to be cute, but you can tell that the casting director mistook a tiny mouth that won’t open all the way and only makes nasally squeaking sounds for “cute” when really that shit falls under the “needs corrective surgery” category. His eyes are also very close together but I think maybe if his head grows more in the middle there he should be OK on that front. His brother is the piggiest little kid I have ever fucking seen in my entire life and that’s saying something since most children look a bit piggish to me.
So Useless Daddy finally gets a job but meanwhile entire flocks of birds are smashing into the nice suburban house where the family lives and the neighbors are like “You guys need to get your shit figured out” and giving them dirty looks and stuff. Felicity just shrugs and cleans bird blood off the SUV in the driveway like “Oh you know how this stuff just kind of happens sometimes hahahahurrr..umm.” Lil’ Squeaky is wandering around in the yard in a trance at night. Pig Boy is off grabbing boobs and watching stolen porn DVDs with his ratty little friend, who also happens to be one of the ugliest young humans in the world. This kid’s face looks like a flabby old couch cushion with a scabby button sewn right into the middle of it, and all of the crumbs and change and shit roll into the indentation. This kid’s face dips in sharply in that spot between the eyes and right above the bridge of the nose, a problem shared by all of the children in this movie, to various degrees, which makes me wonder if maybe there’s not something terrible in the water in this suburb that makes the children butt-ugly and the parents think they see aliens and makes the hot dogs balance on top of the mustard? (Unfortunately, I cannot find a picture of this kid on all of the Internet because he has been deemed too ugly for public consumption and has been scrubbed from the web entirely. Count yourself lucky.)
Useless Daddy is pretty happy about his job but after Felicity catches him hanging out in the backyard staring open-mouthed into the sky, totally unresponsive even when she shows him a little titty, she sits him down and lets him know he’s been beefing it pretty bad on the homefront lately and they need to figure some stuff out before everyone dies, and anyway she’s sick of going to the grocery store only to find the lettuce floating around the living room the next morning. He’s like “oh shit I did what in the yard?” and plays it off like he didn’t know he was out there in the first place so she wouldn’t know he was jerkin’ it to the neighbor lady who was using her ExerCycle in her den. He gives himself a spontaneous nosebleed for effect and Felicity buys it, the dumb cunt.
Felicity and Useless Daddy go to a specialist in a run-down apartment building who tells them that aliens are tracking them via internal devices and are going to take one of their kids. At this point, I really didn’t care which one it was going to be, because getting rid of either would be kind of a nice chance for the family to start fresh and maybe take a crack at procuring a kid who was not so ugly they made your eyeballs bleed and your soul beg for mercy. The specialist explains that “there’s all kinds of aliens and they’re all over the place but really there’s just 3 main kinds and they’re only in your house. Haha, y’all are screwed! Go get a guard dog.” They get a dog and that doesn’t help because guess what: they thought the aliens were going to take Lil’ Squeaky since he’s so cute and keeps wandering out into the night, but they were wrong: the aliens want to study the Human Pig they’ve been raising! Goodbye, Pig Boy, have fun in space.
What other people are saying: “I think I will stand firm in my believe that things happen that are unexplainable and God will sort it all out. It’s a decent watch if your into that sort of thing. I’m really not. Waste of time for me. Hope you enjoy as much as I did not.” I too hope God sorts this fucking movie out, because I can’t.
The Immigrant, 2013
What Netflix says happens in this movie: “A Polish immigrant in New York who must provide for her ill sister soon falls under the thumb of a charming thug who forces her into prostitution.”
What really happens in this movie: Flopsy Poutsalot is a princess in Poland until an evil soldier kills her parents. Flopsy and her sister Sweat Rag get on a boat and come to America so they can hire a private detective to find the evil soldier or maybe just move in with their aunt and get over it once and for all. They make it to Ellis Island and Sweat Rag can’t get her sweaty cough under control, so they take her away and throw her in quarantine until she stops coughing. Flopsy is pretty torn up about it but figures she’d better go on ahead to America since she’s here at the park gate and the tickets are non-refundable and they’ll let her use both of the Coke cans she brought with her for a double discount, one day only. She gets to the entrance and some douche in a fancy hat tells her she was caught skankin’ around on the ship and that’s nasty, they don’t let nasty womens into America Gardens. She’s like “Yes you do, that whore over there is a total whore,” but they turn her right around and put her in line to get back on the boat and head home to the Bloody Fields of Poland.
Enter Joaquin Phoenix to save the day. Flopsy is like “Oh please help me” and he pays a guard to let her out of the Dirty Womens line. He takes her to his shitty apartment and reveals that he can give her a job as a hooker and a dancer in his club, where she can wear fancy costumes and pretend to be the Statue of Liberty. At first, she’s like “But I’m a sad princess, I shouldn’t have to work.” She runs away to visit her aunt in Brooklyn who’s all about giving her a place to stay, but her uncle’s an asshole and apparently heard about the ship skankin’ Flopsy did on her way to the U.S.A. and sends her back to Ellis Island. The whole entire movie starts over again right here. Joaquin comes back to pick her up and pays to get her out AGAIN and offers to let her be one of his slut dancers AGAIN only this time, he tells her she can pay a guard to get Sweat Rag bounced from the hospital and she’s like ho-ly shitballs, bring on the dicks.
Joaquin’s cousin/brother/nephew, uh, someone who’s sort of related to him but not in the way that would keep him from getting mad at the guy over nothing, falls in love with Flopsy because she’s so sad and beautiful. Also because she’s really quiet and spends the entirety of the movie doing her “looking at things in a sad way” face instead of talking, which he finds annoying anyway, so it’s Yahtzee for him. He gets run out of town by Joaquin who’s also sniffing around that little sad Polish butthole but comes back and is like “Darn it if I didn’t just miss you too much to leave, also I forgot my scarf.” Cousin Brother tells Flopsy he’s going to buy her sister out of hospital jail and that the three of them are going to run away together. He kisses Flopsy deeply but it’s super weird and one sided, it’s like she’s kind of done acting for the day and wants to be left alone and is nervous that someone might have eaten the last almond Hershey’s Kiss out of the bowl in her trailer. She might as well have been somewhere else while this movie was being made, because he kisses her and her eyes go flat and dead and she’s like “Is that a pudding cup under the old-timey stove? How did that get down there?”
So Joaquin stabs Cousin Brother and it’s not sad at all because Flopsy is immediately like “OH SHIT HIDE THE BODY. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT, FOR REAL.” Joaquin dumps Cousin Brother but guess what? One of the other sluts in the slut meetup group saw the whole thing, and she tells the cops it was Flopsy Poutsalot that did it, because everything was fine in their little slut group until Flopsy came along, she ruined EVERYTHING. So now the cops are after Flopsy and Joaquin lets them beat him up but doesn’t tell them where she is because he wants dat ass. She goes back to her aunt’s and asks for some cash to get Sweat Rag out so they can run away together, and of course, Aunt Rag has been sitting on a stack of bills just for such an occasion, she just never thought to offer to do a damn thing for her sister’s kids. So she hands over the dough and she’s like “oh call me when you get to whereverthefuck, k?” but she shuts the door real fast because she’s trying to get back to her show before the commercials end.
This is where the movie starts over again, again. Flopsy drags Joaquin back to motherfucking Ellis Island because apparently that’s the only place in New York City that they can go together. It’s a difficult journey because Flopsy is made of tears and frowns and old newspapers, and she’s got to drag Joaquin around because his jaw is broken, meaning that he can’t walk real good. They pay a dude to go get her sister and while they’re waiting for Sweat Rag to fold all her sweat rags and put them in her little suitcase, Joaquin admits that he arranged for them to be screwed over so Flopsy would have to work for him and maybe fall in love with him. She’s like “um duhh” and he falls on the floor and starts crying because it’s like he just now realized he’s not going to get any of that sweet, sweet pouty pussy, and she scrapes him off and tells him it’s all good so okay byyyye and runs out to meet Sweat Rag. They jump on a boat and Joaquin watches them through the window as they paddle to freedom. He looks all forlorn at them because what he can’t hear is Flopsy talking a mile a minute at her sister’s sweaty face, saying “OMG you would not believe how many dudes fell in love with me this month, I had to be like, constantly admired just for frowning and pulling my shawl around myself…why do dudes always do this to me? Remember how back in Poland you liked Urglgrev but he liked me? It was like that only it was these two dudes like fighting over me” and the movie starts over again for the fourth time, only this time it’s only for Sweat Rag, who bites her lip and rolls her eyes and wonders how the fuck long it’s going to take to get to Philadelphia.
What other people are saying: “Not very interesting. I was bored at the time and so was this film. I kept thinking who are these people and what the hell was going on between the cousins.” What are you talking about!? This was the greatest film of all time when you consider the fact that the part of Flopsy was played by a bag of leaves and Joaquin was played by a stick with a hat on it and Cousin Brother was really a chicken covered in eyeliner!!! You know NOTHING about film!
Camp Takota, 2014
What Netflix says happens in this movie: “With her personal and professional life in shambles, a young woman seeks refuge by working as a summer camp counselor with her two best friends.”
What really happens in this movie: Who the fuck knows, for real. I made it 12 minutes into this turd burger before seeing what else was on the menu. Chirpy hot girl loses her job and comes home early to find her douchebait fiance cheating on her and just that morning her old camp counselor had been like “want to be a camp counselor?” and I realized in that moment that I would rather die from vomiting up my own stomach like a shark caught in a net than find out what kind of shenanigans and goings-on are about to go down for this walking tampon commercial over the summer.
If you want to know what that 12 minutes was like, stick two knives into each side of your head until you start to feel brain matter dripping onto your shoulders and your vision starts to fuzz out. May God have mercy on your soul.
What other people are saying: “Camp Takota oozes charm!” It definitely oozes.
What Netflix says happens in this movie: “Chris spends his days smoking crack at his remote forest cabin until his friend Michael arrives, planning to hold him hostage until he’s clean.”
What really happens in this movie: Pretty much what Netflix says. Only there’s some kind of video demon who’s filming everything they do and emailing it to them just to freak them out. Some drug dealers keep coming over and being like “where’s our stuff MAN” and it’s really menacing and terrifying if you’re the type who watches Thomas the Tank Engine every day and are also a four-year-old.
Chris Crack is attached to the wall of his shanty with a set of handcuffs because that motherfucking do-gooder Michael is trying to wean him off the Crack that makes him Chris Crack and also makes him jump jump. Basically what happens when you come down off crack is that you make a lot of jokes and get very sleepy. Because that’s all that happened to Chris Crack. Michael is out fucking around in the woods, finding videotapes and slides and shit and hooking up old viewing equipment to check it all out. They show stuff like people getting shot and falling off bridges and dying and stuff. Michael figures out that the videographer demon wants them to be in a story so it can have another tape to add to its cassette collection, but how the fuck he figured that out is beyond me. So they have some run-ins with the Native American biker gang that runs the area and wants them out of the shanty. You’re supposed to be scared of the bikers except ol’ Michael keeps saying “Hey hold on a minute can you guys tell me about the history of this area and your local folklore and stuff?” and the bikers roll their eyes and are like “UGH okay here’s everything we know about video demons” and then it’s more like they’re helpful librarians and not scary bikers with pump action shotguns.
The bikers take care of the drug dealers with the pump action shotguns and then Crackhead n’ Mike don’t have that to worry about anymore. They run around in the woods and try to lose the video demon but everywhere they go, they find some kind of recording of them getting blown up or something. Like they get in the car and the video demon has lovingly placed a CD audio recording on the dashboard of them getting exploded. That video demon is so talented! I mean, the Native American Bikers told us that some French anthropology students left all this recording equipment on a cabin on the property in the 80s, and what does that video demon do? He takes a class at the community college just so he can learn how to use all of it! Hijinks ensue. Crackhead n’ Mike think they’ve got it all worked out, then they try to hit the road, but the video demon turns into a fire demon or something that you don’t see, you just see their little scared faces, then they both say something but by then I was so bored I was half asleep and I had to look it up on Wikipedia to find out what they said and it turns out it wasn’t worth the energy I spent rolling over and picking up my phone. Apparently they say “Can we try it a different way?” and the movie is like UGH NO STOP because then it’s over.
The actors in this are such assholes. This really was like watching a couple of post-college douchebags go on a camping trip and act like they’ve seen The Hangover, Parts 1-3 way too many fucking times and the characters have sunk in and they can’t NOT act like stupid men anymore. Also the crackhead wears a trucker hat that does not come dislodged through the ENTIRE FILM and though I have never detoxed off hillbilly crack OR worn a trucker hat, I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on that.
What other people are saying: “This is a movie that you have to see, as there is no way to really describe it.” SEE ABOVE, DUMMY.