Gwyneth Paltrow’s Bathroom

The problem is, I think, that Gwyneth Paltrow does not have anyone to talk to, at least not anyone who feels that it pays enough to be one of the people who has to listen to every little thing she thinks about spaghetti and lampshades and vases, just to be able to say you’re friends with Gwyneth Paltrow.

Yesterday I got sucked into her GOOP newsletter for about a million hours while I was supposed to be working. I was SO bored and I figured oh hey, there might be some stuff to make fun of there. Probably. I bet I can find some stuff to laugh at and then–  and that’s about as far as my thoughts went, because I was not talking to anyone on gchat during one of those rare moments when my friends and my sister are either off work or are dutifully completing their work like LOSERS and I have nobody to share things with to make fun of them. Anyway, so I’m sitting there reading words written about life by Gwyneth Paltrow and placed under the masthead of a name that is the phonetic spelling of the sound of slapping the last scoop of the plain organic fat-free sugar-free Greek yogurt into the foot bed of your Rag & Bone ankle boots.

So I guess I’M the loser…okay, yes. I am the loser for looking at GOOP instead of working. I blamed it on a caffeine deficiency at the end of my day.

In perusing the GOOP newsletter, I got to thinking about how none of it is news, and you can only really call it a “letter” because Gwyneth writes the intro to every post and follows it with “Love, gp“. It’s all stuff you’d tell someone if you really had no filter in your brain for how much or how little people may care what type of soap you use on your butt, what outfit you’re planning to wear out to dinner and drinks with your friends, or who the fuck your friends are in the first place. But Gwyneth just opens her damn mouth and lets all this go on the internet, KNOWING someone will read it and that probably a lot of someones will buy it, and they ARE buying it, because there’s all kinds of product tie-ins with hyperlinks leading you to garish, flashing pages screaming THE HAIRDRYER CHOSEN BY GOOP and FROM GOOP TOP 500 PRODUCTS LIST! There’s even a bunch of designer tie-ins that you’re supposed to buy through the site (the GOOP bikini! the GOOP workout! the GOOP hydrangea room freshener!). But it all started with Gwyneth Paltrow being such an awful person that she has no friends.

Or maybe she just has awful people as friends. Because I can only think of two scenarios in which people will sit across from you and let you say things like “I like to wear black leggings, a no-nonsense tank, and a smart blazer on a long flight. The blazer keeps you warm and you can take it off if you get too warm. The leggings are comfortable and the black color keeps you looking smart.” I mean, who says that? And who says “It’s great to revamp your house with floral arrangements. I usually go to this special place in London when we’re living in the UK. I get all of the freshest seasonal flowers. Here is how to arrange them in any size vase…” Would you just be sitting there like, uhhhhhhh what? Because I would! Also I’d be wondering why I was friends with Gwyneth Paltrow if “friends” means someone who listens to you and cares about your life and isn’t always trying to sell you $75 hair oils and telling you what you could do to update your look or what you should make for dinner after you go to “the market.”

That reminds me, I need lemons. From the GROCERY STORE.  And I don’t give a FUCK if they’re organic or not.

There’s another possibility, which is that her friends are all trying to scrape some of the fame off the bottom of her stinking glamour tub. She seems to know what’s up, because she politely mentions all of them (and they all happen to be hairdressers to the stars, doctors to the stars, chefs to the stars, designers to the starrrrs) and links to their products and highly recommends their books about baking and raw cleanses and postpartum depression. I mean, she’s nice enough to keep up her end of the deal. But can you imagine going out for a drink with someone just because they run your favorite cheese shop in London? Really? All we have in common is that I like to eat it and you like to sell it. Let me get my striped  Alexander Wang bodycon dress on and pair it with a black leather jacket and black heels and we’ll go out for drinks at my FAVORITE place to have drinks owned by my friend the celebrity chef and we’ll talk and oh look at the time I have to go because I’ve got to get out of bed at 5am and do 45 minutes of dance cardio aerobics created by my friend and trainer-to-the-stars and then drink a glass of kale juice before I make bulgur wheat pancakes for my kids and turkey wraps for their lunches (cut up to make it fun to eat) and take them to school, then I have like, all these meetings and stuff, plus I have to make some phone calls. Ugh. WORK. Then I have to plan our next vacation to a private villa in Italy. Also I have to pick up the kids, I mean, I COULD have someone do that for me except I’m a good mom and stuff. So yeah, I guess you could say I’ve got a pretty full plate! Anyway, thanks for listening to me talk about the lotions and diets I found while I was in Greece last winter. I’d say we’re pretty much friends now. Do me a favor and email my assistant with some pictures of my favorite cheeses for a custom cheese board. THAAAAAAANKS.

Maybe the loneliest place in the world is Gwyneth Paltrow’s bathroom when she realizes that nobody genuinely cares what she’s slathering on her elbows before she goes to bed. Maybe she is just all business all the time, though, and never has time to be sad, because she’s busy building her GOOP empire and who cares if it’s fake or not? It’s still THERE for you when you need to be doing something, when you need to be saying you have friends. Maybe Gwyneth sits down on her energy friendly toilet with sparkling gold bidet and takes a poop and wonders if there is anything she can say on GOOP about poop. She stands and looks at it lovingly, thoughtfully, for just a moment, wondering how she could turn the size and color of her turds into a GOOP topic. Would I place it under Make, Go, or Do? Maybe I will bring it with me to dinner and drinks and ask my friends (the owner of Babycakes bakery, a couture denim designer, and the owner of a record label) what they think. I will put it in a small drawstring bag made of organic cotton, sold by Jessica Alba in her Honest Products online store! I will take it out if there comes a moment in which the conversation is not about me and I will say, “Look, friends. Look at my turd. As you can see, I had a Classic Margherita Pizza with fresh buffalo mozzarella last night. I made it in the brick oven in our backyard. As a home cook, it’s very important to me to have authentic and tasty foods to feed my guests. Here’s the ingredients that you’ll need for the pizza: Fresh roma tomatoes, fresh basil leaves straight from the garden…”

This all makes me wonder if there are any Gwyneth Paltrow superfans out there. Like, I’m sure there are people who are like “she’s my favorite actrezz omahgah Sliding Doors was mah fahvret moviiiie”, but I’m talkin bout real freaks, like one step away from stalking her. I bet GOOP is their wet dream. It’s like she’s talking to them! Directly to them! And you can BUY THINGS she recommends and personally uses! So if you ever met her she’d be like “Oh you have that eye cream too” and you could be like YAZ I DO. And the great thing about it is that she NEVER STOPS TALKING! She’s like a friend that won’t leave you! Remember that time you spent $600 on that GOOP cleanse kit and you were SO hungry on day 4 that you started to think weird things and maybe get a little sad? And then you ate 3 slices of your brother’s bacon cheeseburger pizza and then you felt bad so you threw up and felt worse…and then, just then, your inbox lit up because you’d subscribed to the GOOP newsletter and…yay! New newsletter! It’s like she was listening and she knew you needed her. Well, like, knew you needed her to talk about summer pastas.

Actually. Maybe I’ve found someone who would do that.

1 Comment

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One response to “Gwyneth Paltrow’s Bathroom

  1. Pearce77

    Gwyneth Paltrow has probably never peeled a potato or used scrubby bubbles to clean a toilet in her life.

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