It’s day 3 of trying to be positive, and the internet is not making things any fucking easier.
I checked my ISP free email account today, you know, the one where all the bills and stupid subscriptions and other bullshit is routed, and this is what I find, glaring back at me, at the top of the page:
Usually, it’s a picture of a wedding, the happy couple smiling into a camera. Or it’s a lady in a leafy garden embracing a small child on a swing. The whole campaign is supposed to make you go, “Awww, there’s people I love who are happy and they pose for cameras and hold kids. I wonder what they’re doing?” So now there’s this image added to the mix, and let me tell you, whoever does AT&T Yahoo Mail’s ads really knocked it out of the park when they selected this stock photo of a surly, annoyed young man being accosted with love by his clingy, lonely grandmother whose husband of 47 years probably passed away during gastric bypass surgery last year.
If this kid was pressured into getting status updates from his grandma all day long, he’d probably make the same face he’s making in the photo. That’s because Grandma probably doesn’t know how to use it. She probably doesn’t realize that her updates are blasted all over place to everyone. She probably doesn’t know how to set her updates as Private from Rayjon’s little college buddies. So this dude probably gets constant updates (because Grandma is retired from her teaching job and has time on her hands) that are like
HI RAYJON ITS GRANDMAMA I LOVE YOU BYE LOL
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LATE HUSBAND CARL FELTERS JR. DIED 4/6/09 I LOVE YOU SWEETY EVERY DAY MISS U LOVE DORISS
RAYJON WHY IS YOU MAKIN THAT FACE IN YOUR PROFIEL PIC YOU FUNNY LOL
RAYJON TELL YOUR MAMA TO CALL ME TONIGHT OK SWEETY GRANDMAMA LOVES YOU BYE
I’d be pissed off, too, Rayjon. I’d be pissed off, too.
So anyway. I looked through the list of highlighted new correspondence that for some goddamn reason all the places I’ve ever shopped in my life have just HAD to send me at 4:00 this morning, and there’s the stupid shit Urban Outfitters likes to send to get me to spend more money on them, which they will then spend on more horrible ads. Apparently market research has proven that this will make me unable to not shop:
What the fuck is wrong with this bitch? And how can that look on her face be considered anything but annoying? If this girl walked up to me in person and tried to communicate something to me with that look on her face, I’d say, “Look, do you need a glass of water? Do you need me to call someone for you?? What? What’s that you’re trying to say? Oh, Urban Outfitters has hundreds of new items, huh? Well maybe you can go buy yourself some pants.”
But then I’d notice that she didn’t bring her wallet.