Stop Looking At Me, Swan!

I don’t like it when inanimate objects tell me what to do.

I got a letter from Verizon Fucking Wireless yesterday that said “Open immediately.”  I did not like its tone!  So I opened it TEN MINUTES LATER, and it was just a notice confirming that I had removed a feature from my stupid account.  Oh, like some stranger got my password and wants to save me money on my bill.  You stupids.

I just grabbed a Stash tea bag at work, and it said on the wrapper “Steep for 1-3 minutes.”  I will steep for however long I please, thank you very much, you uptight tea bag!

What’s next, is mayonnaise going to tell me how I can and can’t enjoy it?!  Am I going to be told not to eat sour cream on my pizza?!?  FUCK OFF!!!